Explain vs. Complain

Communicate clearly and get what you want

People who whine about injustices rarely receive positive results because they are too busy complaining. But if you explain your position and suggest a solution, you’re more likely to get what you want. I’ll illustrate the process with a personal example by using the case of “The Disappearing Tree.”

My wife and I were excited to sponsor a tree to be planted in the Village Pond Park near our new home as part of the city’s “Expand the Forest” program. But a year after our Floss Silk tree was rooted, commemorating our wedding anniversary, I drove by the mini lake and was astonished – our sapling had vanished and was replaced by a metal monolith.

There was no phone call, no letter, no notification of any kind informing us our tree was going to be outsourced. While I was sure the lamp post would improve illumination for evening strollers and our feathered friends’ noturnal activities, I couldn’t help but feel angry, depressed, and jipped. I had to do something.

I wanted to complain. I needed to act upon those strong emotions (it’s only human) and get to the bottom of this foliage fiasco. Who took out our tree and why?

But if I started screaming obcenities at the city’s employees, from the secretary to the manager of the program, I’d only irritate them. They’d shut down and do as little as possible before calling me a whack job and hanging up the phone. And if by some minor miracle I didn’t completely alienate them and they were still willing to help me, they’d ask the all important question: “What do you want?”

I want a replacement tree.

I started my phone call with a succint explanantion of the situation (I paid for a tree and now it’s gone) and my disposition (I’m unhappy) then offered a possible resolution to my problem (I want a new tree). To elicit assistance and get me out of jeopardy, I phrased the last sentence in the form of a question. “Instead of a refund, can you help me determine what happened, and plant a new tree?” I essentially empowered the city employee to flex his authority and set him up as the “good guy.” Everyone wants to be a hero. Here was an opportunity to swoop in to save the day and the environment, too.

He put me on hold to check out my story. When the program manager came back on the line, he confirmed that we had in fact purchased a tree but wanted a maintenance crew to verify my claim of the disappearing tree. He apologized for my inconvenience – a feel-good bonus for me – and promised to call me back within two days with an action plan.

Less than an hour later my phone rang. A member of the city’s landscaping team was at the “Duck Pond” and after a few radio calls, he corroborated my story. The answer was more simple than sinister. There was an existing powerline next to our tree which was ideal for erecting a lakeside lamppost and our timber was to be replaced but the paperwork had been delayed.

My wife and I now have a new magnolia to call our own.

So whether you’re calling in a complaint or writing about your woes, communicate clearly. Summarize the setback, briefly share your feelings on the matter and then offer a mutually beneficial solution. More often than not, you’ll get what you ask for.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit www.MichaelVarma.com. Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright June 2010 Magical Concepts.

American Midol

Faulty feedback causes headaches

Hearing unbridled opinions about your performance can make your head swell with pride or explode with anger. The popular TV reality show American Idol applauds judgemental comments and hard hitting evaluations of contestants singing for stardom. The golden rule of “praise in public and critique in private” has been lost to the television Gods and, unfortunately, millions of viewers are learning by bad examples how to give proper feedback.

Negative Feedback

Melodramic and sarcastic comments may play well on the boob tube and for studio audiences, but making personal attacks leads to tears and potential stalkers. Using nasty words only encourages a “potty mouth” response, which in turn promotes a verbal or physical confrontation. Then everyone will need some Tylenol.

Conversational conflicts hurt feelings and relationships – even when said with the best of intentions.

Constructive Feedback

Candid critiques are very important and can have a positive long term effect when presented with genuine praise.

1. Share something you liked about their performance and mean it.

2. Critique a specific behavoir and breifly tell how it affected you.

3. Suggest a solution describing the outcome you envision by this new action.

Keep criticism concise and treat the person with dignity. Additional discussions seeking clarification “Help me understand; your goal was…” and confirm understanding “So, what you’re saying is…” will successfully complete the feedback circuit.

Giving effective evaluations can be as tricky as removing the childproof cap on an aspirin bottle. But with a little practice and perspective, your critiques will keep them coming back for more.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter, and professional magician. To learn more, visit www.MichaelVarma.com. Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright May 2010 Magical Concepts.

Praising in Public

Learn the three Ps of a polished presenter

Most of us, if we’re honest with ourselves, have a little voice inside that wants us to compliment a coworker at a party and say, “You did a great job,” or “I appreciate your help,” but we’re afraid of appearing foolish or saying something embarrassing. That’s normal. Then we watch a seemingly fearless facilitator stand up at the gathering and convey with conviction similar thoughts. We think to ourselves, “I could have said that.” Yes, that’s normal, too. Transform into that polished presenter by following the three Ps: prepare, present, and prevail.

Prepare

To prevent flubbed lines, focus on how your coworker assisted you personally or professionally. Select one instance and summarize the situation, solution, and your satisfaction with the end result.

Pretend you’re in front of the party-goers and say your brief praise out loud. Tell it to your significant other – whether they are two or four legged – this minimal practice will calm most stomach squalls. Silly as it may seem, verbalizing your mini-speech, even to an audience of one will make a huge difference. When my wife’s unavailable then my cat plays second fiddle and listens to me practice (in between her naps and meals).

Present

One of the best times to premiere your praise is right after everyone has assembled and if at a restaurant after folks order their meals. Visualize success and present like you rehearsed.

For example, “My boss needed a chart created for a meeting in ten minutes and I didn’t know how to do it. Bob was able to show me in less than two minutes. I appreciate his help. Thanks, Bob.”

Prevail

A perfect presentation or not, you will be admired for taking a risk and showing genuine gratitude. The next time you give a pat on the back it will become easier. Both you and the recipient will fill with pride.

I recently complimented a co-worker, “Your summary of the project was quite good. You presented a nice high-level overview, touched upon several key points, and concluded with next action steps. I found it very help and informative.” My associate felt good with the recognition and I was delighted with myself for boldly following through with my remark. Reminds me of a quote by the writer and editor Margaret Cousins, "Appreciation can make a day - even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary."

Far too often people’s achievements are overlooked or worse, expected. A few words of acknowledgement in front of your peers will boost everyone’s moral. Follow the three Ps of a polished presenter (prepare, present, prevail) and you’ll prosper at praising in public.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit www.MichaelVarma.com. Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright April 2010 Magical Concepts.

Webcams: Today’s Techno-Tool

A new generation of online communication

Videoconferencing is not just for large corporations anymore. Small companies use it, sole proprieters use it, and yes, mom and dad use it, too. Whether people pay for a hi-tech interactive telecommunication boardroom or use free software such as Skype, which runs on a home computer, online communication has entered a new era.

Star Trek boldly went wireless in the mid 1960s with handheld communicators, but it was the video-intercom jumbo-tron on the bridge of the Enterprise that ensured a successful mission. Whether you’re presenting a webinar or posting a podcast in real time streaming video, it’s good to remember the three Ps – Posture, Position and Pronunciation – so you, too, can be as victorious as Captain Kirk.

Posture
Onscreen slouching can cause Quasimoto to become green with envy when the camera visually adds “those ten pounds” to your hunched back. To avoid being confused for that famous ringer, do as your parents or drill sergeant ordered: head up, shoulders back and chest out.
Sitting correctly prevents back pain and contributes to a good appearance. Your confidence will grow and people will take you more seriously. Remember: James Tiberius Kirk always sat tall in his captain’s chair.

Position
Camera position is key. Too far away and you’ll look like a midget. Too close and folks will focus on your nose hair. Get it just right – an appropriate mix of upper body and minimal background – and you’ll be admired by millions of cyber-fans and Andorians alike.

Place the webcam about 36 inches from where you’ll sit so the microphone can still acquire your voice. Zoom in and focus on yourself. Verify the screen is filled proportionately and that there’s enough room to show hand gestures, display props, like a book, or complete a demonstration.

Pronunciation
Warm up with the tongue twister and say, “There’s terrible trouble with Tribbles,” three times clearly enunciating each syllable before you turn on your techno-tool and broadcast in broadband. Slight transmission delays and tinny sounds from tiny computer speakers, might squelch your voice. Speak slowly and clearly so you sound intelligent and not like a Klingon ordering zilm'kach!(a small apricot).

Record yourself saying a small speech and then play it back. Close your eyes and listen. After you stop laughing at how different your voice sounds to yourself, play it one more time and pay attention to the pronunciation of the words. Practice until you’re satisfied your peeps will find value in your vocalizations.

Is cyberspace the final frontier? No, but it is a strange new world where full facial features and body language are seen by new generations of family, friends, customers and potential clients. Buckle in the three Ps (posture, position and pronunciation) before you “Engage!” at warp speed.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/. Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright March 2010 Magical Concepts.

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Hazardous Humor

Tell a dirty joke and get mud in your eye

It’s easy to tell an off-color joke, but it’s just as easy to deliver a clean joke. And the perils of using naughty words are many: offend a guest, alienate an audience or damage your credibility jeopardizing future bookings. Only a handful of professional comedians like Bobby Slayton, often referred to as "The Pitbull of Comedy,” and “Mr. Hockey Puck,” Don Rickles, have found a successful negative niche, publicly bashing anyone and everyone to get a laugh. For the rest of us, clean and clever humor will please the crowd.

Right Time, Right Place
It’s important to tailor your type of humor for your audience. I once was hired to perform a private magic show at a bachelor party. After my first trick, one of the guys asked me if I knew any dirty jokes. “You mean one liners like: football players need to be naked to count to 21?” When the jocks in the room laughed I forged on “What did the elephant ask the naked man?” Pause. Wait. “You breathe through that?” It got worse – er, better and continued down the dirty path for another hour. As fun as that was, there hasn’t been another venue during the past 30 years to use a similar string of jokes in my shows and presentations.

Business meetings, lectures and seminars require more highbrow humor than typical the bathroom strain. Clever comments on the edge of truth have a stronger bite and can be used any time, for example, "Never call a meeting before noon without donuts or all order will be lost."

Remember, humor is subjective. What one person finds hysterical another may not. It depends upon their perspective, as with the joke: “This little computer will do half your job for you,” said the sales clerk. The senior VP studying the machine nodded decisively, “Fine, I’ll take two.” Most upper management will politely smile and accept the good-natured ribbing causing all worker-bees to chortle.

Countdown
When God gave Moses the Ten Commandments, the class clown, hiding behind the burning bush, saw an opportunity. Since then the Top Ten List has remained a solid routine which can be applied to any subject.

Top 10 signs your company is going to downsize:

10. Company softball team is converted to a bridge club.
9. Dr. Kevorkian is hired as an “Outplacement Coordinator.”
8. Employees become super friendly with the dorky director of human resources.
7. The coffee machine is removed from the break room.
6. Corporate headquarters begins a weekly bake sale.
5. Senior management starts carpooling…together.
4. Annual holiday party moves from the Ritz Carlton to Chucky Cheese.
3. Computers are being replaced with Commodore 64s.
2. Medical plan now consists of directions to the free clinic.
And the number one sign your company is going to downsize is…
1. The CEO installs a dartboard labeled with existing department names.

Clean is Supreme
Blue Collar Tour jokester Jeff Foxworthy, the originator of “You might be a Redneck if…” holds the current title, “The King of Clean.” Successful comedians like Bill Cosby, Ellen DeGeneres, Jerry Seinfeld and Billy Crystal all have held comedic crowns for their wit. These comedians, including the legendary Phyllis Diller, Milton Berle and Henny Youngman all have/had joke files filled with good clean humor because they know that sanitary comedy is timeless.

Focus on levity with longevity and start your clean humor file today.

Q: How does a clown fish get its stripes?
A: It spends time in jail.

Q: Why don’t sharks eat clownfish?
A: Because they taste funny.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/.

Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright February 2010 Magical Concepts.

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Learning by Example

Three tips for finding a mentor

Mom and Dad were there through our growing pains, teaching us the difference between our left and right. Right and wrong. And how to deal with the strong emotions of love and hate. A time will come when you’ll need more assistance beyond your parents’ tutelage. Early in my career, I admitted to myself I wasn’t Superman and needed help from an outside source. Granted that realization came after my “terrible trifecta” where I unwittingly embarrassed myself during three interviews (radio, newspaper and television). I wanted someone, a mentor, to show me how to fly, leap buildings in a single bound and prevent stumbling through another talk show. I decided to follow the three Ls: List, Look and Learn, to find a mentor.

List
Before you ask anyone to invest their time in your future success, write a wish list of what you want, both from yourself and from your mentor. Let this list be as long as necessary – mine was large enough for its own zip code.

I wrote things like, “I want to speak professionally when I talk about my books” and “Why was I so antsy during the interview?” Be honest. Write every candidly crazy question to discuss with your mentor during step number three, the Learn phase.

Look
A mentor is someone you admire and respect. Often he or she works in your chosen career. Observe this successful person and analyze the qualities, values and traits exhibited then add those elements to the list you made in phase one.

I watched TV interviews and added dozens of positive attributes and nearly a hundred bad habits I hoped to never portray. Learning from other people’s mistakes taught me volumes.

Look at local leaders in your profession. Ask them a question or two seeking their advice. Absorb their comments and communication style. Determine if this person would be a good fit for you and could motivate you to do your best work.

Learn
The List and Look phases provide many opportunities for introspection and self-awareness. Revise your listing from the size of a telephone directory to a top ten prioritized list. Now you’re ready to approach your prospective role model to pop the question: “Will you be my mentor?”

Either answer is good news. A “No” – an honest and fair response – may mean they don’t have enough time to devote to this endeavor. “Yes,” denotes additional discussions will take place.

Show the work you’ve completed so far (both lists) then set goals and ground rules. Determine boundaries of confidentiality, accountability, time commitments and realistic expectations. A good mentor will listen and facilitate, fostering self-confidence and personal growth. I found this to be true from a highly structured mentoring program within Toastmasters.

Mentors help you capitalize upon your strengths and overcome your personal kryptonite. They provide a fresh perspective to real and perceived obstacles you face by suggesting alternatives instead of telling you what to do. Their empathy and experience will provide you the necessary guidance to build your own network and become successful.

Everyone one of us have had a mentor. These days we gather knowledge from workshops, seminars, lectures, podcasts or even e-learning. But one-on-one training is still out there. Just follow the three Ls (List, Look and Learn) and find your mentor. Then one day you’ll make the transition from apprentice to role model. Instead of learning by example you’ll be leading by example.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/.

Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright January 2010 Magical Concepts.

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