Be Warm, Witty and Wise

Learn the three components of a tasteful toast.

As a professional magician and frequent attendee of social gatherings, I believe toasting is one of the easiest ways to turn an ordinary party into an extraordinary celebration. I’ve witnessed how a few spoken words can enhance an evening, enchant guests and promote re-telling of stories about the special event, starting with the toast. You, too, can convey your own magical message by learning the three components of a tasteful toast: Be warm. Be witty. Be wise.

Be Warm

In the popular 1970’s television show Fantasy Island, Mr. Roarke, played by Ricardo Montalbán, warmly greeted his guests in order to set them at ease. He’d say, “Good afternoon everyone, I am Mr. Roarke, your host. Welcome to Fantasy Island.”

We can learn from our history of the mini silver screen. If Mr. Roarke’s simple and genuine introduction worked well for six seasons – 158 episodes – then we can follow the script, too. Address the audience, introduce yourself and provide a sincere welcome.

Be Witty

After the hospitable welcome, people will pause for a few moments to listen for more information. For example, “Dinner is served in the main room. Please take your seats.” In my experience, this is an excellent time to proffer a brief humorous observation.

Below are a few generic funnies:

• All our guests make us happy; some by coming and others by going.

• Home: the place where you’re treated the best and grumble the most.

• Never eat more than you can lift.

Be Wise

Next comes sage advice. What to say will vary depending on the wisdom to impart on the occasion: birthday, wedding, divorce (yes, that’s true!), baby shower, new job, or promotion. Quotes, proverbs, Tasteful Toasts, or writing words from the heart offers a vast array of appropriate remarks.

• Baby: To the new parents, who are about to enter a “changing” world!

• Promotion: May the work that you have be the play that you love.

• Divorce: Always remember that hindsight is the best insight to foresight.

Put it all together and you’ll have three sentences – one warm, one witty and one wise:

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, my name is Michael Varma and I am your emcee for the evening. Welcome to Captain Sunny’s retirement party. He’s a man who knows everything and now has plenty of time to tell you all about it. Sunny, remember it’s not the years in your life, but the life in your years.”

Practice your lines a couple of times to ensure a steady delivery, then let the festivities begin!

M

ichael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit www.MichaelVarma.com. Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright April 2011 Magical Concepts.

Hazardous Humor

Tell a dirty joke and get mud in your eye

It’s easy to tell an off-color joke, but it’s just as easy to deliver a clean joke. And the perils of using naughty words are many: offend a guest, alienate an audience or damage your credibility jeopardizing future bookings. Only a handful of professional comedians like Bobby Slayton, often referred to as "The Pitbull of Comedy,” and “Mr. Hockey Puck,” Don Rickles, have found a successful negative niche, publicly bashing anyone and everyone to get a laugh. For the rest of us, clean and clever humor will please the crowd.

Right Time, Right Place
It’s important to tailor your type of humor for your audience. I once was hired to perform a private magic show at a bachelor party. After my first trick, one of the guys asked me if I knew any dirty jokes. “You mean one liners like: football players need to be naked to count to 21?” When the jocks in the room laughed I forged on “What did the elephant ask the naked man?” Pause. Wait. “You breathe through that?” It got worse – er, better and continued down the dirty path for another hour. As fun as that was, there hasn’t been another venue during the past 30 years to use a similar string of jokes in my shows and presentations.

Business meetings, lectures and seminars require more highbrow humor than typical the bathroom strain. Clever comments on the edge of truth have a stronger bite and can be used any time, for example, "Never call a meeting before noon without donuts or all order will be lost."

Remember, humor is subjective. What one person finds hysterical another may not. It depends upon their perspective, as with the joke: “This little computer will do half your job for you,” said the sales clerk. The senior VP studying the machine nodded decisively, “Fine, I’ll take two.” Most upper management will politely smile and accept the good-natured ribbing causing all worker-bees to chortle.

Countdown
When God gave Moses the Ten Commandments, the class clown, hiding behind the burning bush, saw an opportunity. Since then the Top Ten List has remained a solid routine which can be applied to any subject.

Top 10 signs your company is going to downsize:

10. Company softball team is converted to a bridge club.
9. Dr. Kevorkian is hired as an “Outplacement Coordinator.”
8. Employees become super friendly with the dorky director of human resources.
7. The coffee machine is removed from the break room.
6. Corporate headquarters begins a weekly bake sale.
5. Senior management starts carpooling…together.
4. Annual holiday party moves from the Ritz Carlton to Chucky Cheese.
3. Computers are being replaced with Commodore 64s.
2. Medical plan now consists of directions to the free clinic.
And the number one sign your company is going to downsize is…
1. The CEO installs a dartboard labeled with existing department names.

Clean is Supreme
Blue Collar Tour jokester Jeff Foxworthy, the originator of “You might be a Redneck if…” holds the current title, “The King of Clean.” Successful comedians like Bill Cosby, Ellen DeGeneres, Jerry Seinfeld and Billy Crystal all have held comedic crowns for their wit. These comedians, including the legendary Phyllis Diller, Milton Berle and Henny Youngman all have/had joke files filled with good clean humor because they know that sanitary comedy is timeless.

Focus on levity with longevity and start your clean humor file today.

Q: How does a clown fish get its stripes?
A: It spends time in jail.

Q: Why don’t sharks eat clownfish?
A: Because they taste funny.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/.

Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright February 2010 Magical Concepts.

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Birthday Bandits

Learn how to prevent partygoers from stealing the spotlight


Celebrating a friend’s birthday is a good thing, but taking the attention away from the honoree can be criminal. Sometimes naturally chatty folks and professional speakers “accidentally” steal the stage when their dutiful place is in the audience clapping and cheering their comrade for surviving another 365 days. Whether you’re the host of the party, best friend or guest, you can politely thwart these thieves by giving them a temporary spotlight then refocusing the beam of light upon your birthday buddy.

Let Them Eat Cake
After a rousing rendition of “Happy Birthday” at a coworker’s 50th party, a fellow associate, a Martha Stewart wanna-be, brought the festivities to a screeching halt exclaiming how she made the cake from scratch. “And the frosting, too,” she exclaimed and then she droned on and about how the eggs were organic and the milk came from local cows and her ump-teen years of cooking experience made her the best chef in the company.

While some of this information was interesting (and presented well), why did she tell us? What was her point? Beyond showcasing her talents, it was her way of expressing how much she cares for her long-time friend and how she took the extra time to bake him a cake. The easiest course of action, so you can eat that awesome organic cake, would be to publicly thank her for the labor of love then turn the limelight on the guest of honor: “Gladys, your time was well spent cause we know Bob, our resident birthday boy, loves cake. We appreciate your efforts and look forward to the tasty treat.”

Raise Your Glass
After wishes have been made and the flames extinguished, silence ensues while the cake is cut and served. This is a perfect opportunity to offer a tasteful toast. But frequently a gabby groupie will pounce upon the stillness and fill the airwaves with long-winded “best bud” adventure stories. When the tall tale becomes embarrassing, as they often do, you need a lighthearted segue. Seize the moment by clinking a glass to gather the guests’ attention and share your brief comments to keep the party on track. A simple option is to offer a toast, for example:

Tenderly we joke and tease
Candles blown out with a wheeze
Sharing in your birthday feast
We wish you 50 more - at least!

Almost any carefree or humorous transition can bridge the gap until forks are poised over slices of cake to feed fellow partygoers.

Proper Present Protocol
The most common scene stealer is the present pessimist. This is the person who constantly comments on every gift as it’s unwrapped: “I got one of those and it didn’t work,” “Uncle Maury had one and it broke the first time he use it,” “That’s adorable but I doubt it would fit you.” Such comments might be truthful or even funny at the time, but these words wound offending both gifter and giftee. Ask this most vocal visitor to be the list maker and write down the name of the gift and giver so the recipient can send thank you notes after the party – it’s a good use of their energy.

Do these tips deputize you as the party police? Do you have to maintain a constant vigil for birthday bandits at every celebration? No and no. The ultimate goal is to have a good time and remember it’s their special day, not yours. Make the guest of honor feel, well, honored and bask yourself in the afterglow.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/.

Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright March 2009 Magical Concepts.