Learning by Example

Three tips for finding a mentor

Mom and Dad were there through our growing pains, teaching us the difference between our left and right. Right and wrong. And how to deal with the strong emotions of love and hate. A time will come when you’ll need more assistance beyond your parents’ tutelage. Early in my career, I admitted to myself I wasn’t Superman and needed help from an outside source. Granted that realization came after my “terrible trifecta” where I unwittingly embarrassed myself during three interviews (radio, newspaper and television). I wanted someone, a mentor, to show me how to fly, leap buildings in a single bound and prevent stumbling through another talk show. I decided to follow the three Ls: List, Look and Learn, to find a mentor.

List
Before you ask anyone to invest their time in your future success, write a wish list of what you want, both from yourself and from your mentor. Let this list be as long as necessary – mine was large enough for its own zip code.

I wrote things like, “I want to speak professionally when I talk about my books” and “Why was I so antsy during the interview?” Be honest. Write every candidly crazy question to discuss with your mentor during step number three, the Learn phase.

Look
A mentor is someone you admire and respect. Often he or she works in your chosen career. Observe this successful person and analyze the qualities, values and traits exhibited then add those elements to the list you made in phase one.

I watched TV interviews and added dozens of positive attributes and nearly a hundred bad habits I hoped to never portray. Learning from other people’s mistakes taught me volumes.

Look at local leaders in your profession. Ask them a question or two seeking their advice. Absorb their comments and communication style. Determine if this person would be a good fit for you and could motivate you to do your best work.

Learn
The List and Look phases provide many opportunities for introspection and self-awareness. Revise your listing from the size of a telephone directory to a top ten prioritized list. Now you’re ready to approach your prospective role model to pop the question: “Will you be my mentor?”

Either answer is good news. A “No” – an honest and fair response – may mean they don’t have enough time to devote to this endeavor. “Yes,” denotes additional discussions will take place.

Show the work you’ve completed so far (both lists) then set goals and ground rules. Determine boundaries of confidentiality, accountability, time commitments and realistic expectations. A good mentor will listen and facilitate, fostering self-confidence and personal growth. I found this to be true from a highly structured mentoring program within Toastmasters.

Mentors help you capitalize upon your strengths and overcome your personal kryptonite. They provide a fresh perspective to real and perceived obstacles you face by suggesting alternatives instead of telling you what to do. Their empathy and experience will provide you the necessary guidance to build your own network and become successful.

Everyone one of us have had a mentor. These days we gather knowledge from workshops, seminars, lectures, podcasts or even e-learning. But one-on-one training is still out there. Just follow the three Ls (List, Look and Learn) and find your mentor. Then one day you’ll make the transition from apprentice to role model. Instead of learning by example you’ll be leading by example.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/.

Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright January 2010 Magical Concepts.

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Holiday Hoopla

The one with the most joys wins!

Charlie Brown had it right, you don’t need a gazillion presents underneath an overly decorated tree to confirm the true meaning of Christmas. The Grinch discovered the significance of this joyous day after he stole Who-ville’s pop guns, roller skates and drums. These classic cartoons play on TV every year, highlighting the over-commercialization of Xmas causing us to forget that all we really need to do is offer an honest compliment.

Now-a-days Christmas is celebrated by many different religions (and retailers) causing a shift in the meaning of “Merry Christmas.” Without going into the syncretization between Saint Nick and elements from pagan Nordic and Christian mythology, what we’re really trying to say is “I wish you and your family are safe and well until I see you again.”

Some would argue it has an even more relaxed meaning of, “Rest, relax and rejoice on this paid holiday.” Either way you dice it, it’s still a compliment: expressing praise, congratulations or encouragement.

Telling family and friends how much you love and appreciate the time they share with you is fabulous. It’s like giving a tasteful toast to make everyone feel warm and fuzzy inside. It has many positive side affects. It strengthens relationships, boosts self-esteem and increases happiness.

I humbly request all recipients of my blog to get back to basics and offer one compliment a day for the next two week. Yes, I know it takes two weeks to form a new habit. But just think how your corner of the world will be much brighter all 365 days because of your new routine.

Here are the steps to take in order to provide a heartfelt compliment:

1. Pick a person.

It can be a coworker, mailman, secretary, boss, teacher, stranger, friend or enemy.

2. Find a feature.
Characteristics can be concrete or intangible like a smile, sunny disposition or hair style.

3. State with sincerity.
For example, “Barbara, that’s a lovely coat you’re wearing.”

If you deal with customers on a daily basis I challenge you to offer a compliment to each person.

Remember, this is a planned act of kindness and does not mean that you should expect one in return. It costs nothing to give and is priceless to receive.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/.

Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright December 2009 Magical Concepts.

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Delight Your Guests

Three steps of giving a dinner-time toast

Speaking off the cuff is acceptable for a dinner-time toast, but you might fail to find the right words to say as hungry eyes focus on you. You’ll stand tongue-tied with your “ums” and “ahs” while your chums begin to chat with one another giving you time to gather your thoughts. By the time you’re ready, the moment’s gone. Knowing when and what to say is key to your success, so follow the three Ds: Draft, Decide, and Deliver and all will be delicious.

Draft
Today’s listeners expect clarity, especially from a host. You must communicate openly with your audience or you’ll lose their attention. A simple action plan needs to take place before you raise your glass. So, like a good little boy or girl scout, be prepared.

Take the time to draft a tasteful toast. Write words that express the joy you feel when you’re with your dinner guests. Let them know how much you appreciate their friendship. It’s easier to sketch out a dash of humor now, in the solitude of your own home, than in the bustling background of a restaurant.

Decide
Now a days there are no hard rules when to give a toast but there are two natural delays in the dining action you can take advantage of: before dinner or before dessert. After the waiter takes your order, there will be a few seconds of silence as he makes a beeline to the chef in the kitchen. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to determine which opportunity is a better fit to addresses your companions.

Giving a toast before the main meal, at an informal gathering, will set the tone for the evening and conversations will originate from your positive proclamation. Often this type of toast suggests, “The future is ours” and “Let’s get this party started.”

Saying a few words prior to the post-dinner delicacies (that’s fancy talk for “before dessert”) is an ideal way to recap conversations and toast your friends. Typically, this type of toast indicates the evening’s festivities are coming to a close.

Deliver
Instead of tapping a spoon against a glass to capture everyone’s attention, simply stand up at the table. Conversations will cease and all eyes will focus on you. The stage is set and it’s time to deliver your complimentary message.

It’s best to memorize your mini-speech and look at the folks around the table. But if you have to use notes, rest assured your friends will understand. Speak loud enough so your guests can hear you over any music, conversation or other distractions. When done, raise and clink your glass and take a sip before you sit down.

A special occasion deserves clear communication. A little preparation will help you deliver your heartfelt message. Remember the three Ds (Draft, Decide, and Deliver) and your dinner-time toast will disarm, denote, and delight.

I recently had an opportunity to share my sincere thoughts with a group of professional writers dining at the Magic Castle in Hollywood, and offered this toast:

For my literary friends I decided to write,
a brand new toast to deliver tonight.

I appreciate your humor, I appreciate your wit.
I appreciate your candor, so happy, I should sit.

But I stand humbled and proud,
To be associated with such an infamous crowd.

We are all varied – an eclectic blend,
I’m fortunate to call each one of you friend.

Top Row: Tim, David, Diana, Michael, Barbara, and Nicole
Bottom Row: Maki, Cory, Jillian, Beth, Brian and Brian.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit www.MichaelVarma.com.

Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright November 2009 Magical Concepts.

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The Hairy Toe

Old Mrs. Piedmont lived in a log cabin in the tiny town of Frazier Park, California, in the early 1800s. She would forage for food every day hoping to capture a rabbit or other small game but often had to dig up some roots and cook them for dinner. One day while picking mushrooms from the base of her favorite tree, she spotted something strange sticking out of the ground. She brushed away the topsoil until she uncovered a great big hairy toe. There was some good meat on that toe and it would make a mighty tasty dinner. With a single whack of her hatchet old Mrs. Piedmont dislodged the toe, put it in her basket and took it home.

When she got back to her cabin, she boiled her vittles in a kettle and had hairy toe soup for dinner. The meat was so tender she ate it right off the bone. It was the best meal she'd had in weeks! With a full stomach old Mrs. Piedmont fell fast asleep at the kitchen table next to her napkin and the toenail clipping.

The moon rose, crossed the night sky and seemed to stop directly over her house. Cold wind started blowing and growing stronger until it howled through the tree tops. A soft hollow voice was carried through the air calling out, "Hairy toe! Hairy toe! I want my hairy toe!" Inside the house, old Mrs. Piedmont stirred and nervously looked around.

From the woods came a stomp-squish, stomp-squish, stomp-squish noise and the wind whistled louder. At the edge of the forest, she could make out a ghoulish cry: "Hairy toe! Hairy toe! I want my hairy toe!" Old Mrs. Piedmont shuddered and ran to the door and barred it.

Stomp-squish, stomp-squish, stomp-squish sounds came from the garden path outside her cabin. Mournful moans shook her window shutters: "Hairy toe! Hairy toe! I want my hairy toe!"

The front door burst open with a bang, snapping the bar in two and a massive figure walked through the shattered doorway – stomp-squish, stomp-squish, stomp-squish. It demanded: "Hairy toe! Hairy toe! I want my hairy toe!" and pointed to the missing digit.

Old Mrs. Piedmont shouted in terror, "But I ATE your hairy toe!"

“And I want it back.” The giant advanced into the room stomp-squish, stomp-squish, stomp-squish.

Old Mrs. Piedmont was never seen again.

And still to this day, more than 200 years later, people still ask, “What does hairy toe soup taste like?” It ain’t toe bad – tastes like chicken.

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[Author’s note: Telling this story has worked well with all ages and was an adaptation of a Maryland folktale.]

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/.

Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright October 2009 Magical Concepts.

What to be Said After They’re Wed?

Two topics for an appropriate anniversary toast

Remember that merry day of matrimony? It seemed like only last year the happy couple went willingly down the aisle toward wedded bliss. Some may have been “coaxed,” but the fact remains it’s their anniversary – time to celebrate another successful 52 weeks of togetherness. In addition to giving her a Nordstrom shopping spree and him a flat screen TV, an appropriate verbal gift is to remind them why they said “I do.”

Toasting Topic #1: Equality
Reminisce how the bride and groom, each strong and stable on their own, now function in the divine interdependency of marriage – a worthy status according to Oprah and Psychology Today. Cite examples, then and now, of how this dynamic duo balance work and play and still has time to save the planet.

Their equally-matched talents are what make them the perfect pair. Take the initiative and share your memories of how this man and wife improve the quality of your life, making it a priceless gift indeed.

Suggested Toast #1
With one look into your eyes
You cannot disguise
Your zest for life
As man and wife

Toasting Topic #2: Harmony
Some couples complement each other extremely well, like the bass and treble clefs on piano sheet music. Together these love birds make a marvelous marriage melody. Their passion can only be labeled a la the classic movie The Princess Bride as “twue love.”

Obvious mutual affection and respect between this twosome are easily noted and need not be labored with a long-winded anecdote. Best to skip directly to the toast, followed by dessert.

Suggested Toast #2
You are blessed from above
With devotion and love
I have a good notion
To second His motion
We bid you good cheers
Partners in love for many more years

From the first wedding anniversary to the twenty-fifth and beyond, share your observations with your family, friends and guests with a tasteful toast. Rejoice in their successful union and take pride in reminding folks attending the celebration why a happy man and wife make a happy span of life.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/. Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright September 2009 Magical Concepts.

Keep Your Credibility

Without losing your cool or your clients

I committed a huge faux pas several months ago and almost lost my credibility as a presenter. My mental TiVo keeps replaying the moments leading up to the mishap until a self-induced coma takes over – a common disease known as “analysis paralysis.” I was the second half of a tag team training session and noticed my teammate was running way too long. When I took the floor, I had less than 15 minutes to cram in 45 minutes of material. But I kept my credibility (and cool) by remembering the three Ps: perspective, patience and politeness.

Perspective
I stood in the back of the room so only the presenter could see me circling my index finger in the, air my universal sign for “wrap it up.” When that didn’t work I tried the basketball referee, hand paddling move for traveling. Nothing. I pointed to my watch then drew my hand across my throat for “cut.” The speaker never acknowledged my presence.

I could have interrupted, played more charades or completed jumping jacks to get his attention, but decided to sit down and look at the situation from a different point of view. While I found his material to be somewhere between uninteresting and downright boring, both in presentation and content, others thought it spot-on. If the audience shared my opinion then I needed to compress my information into a compact, entertaining and powerful message or make it available through another source.

A hybrid solution came to me: I used my meager ten minutes to provide a high-level overview with a few intriguing facts and asked for business cards with email addresses in order to forward additional details. While some ponder if the glass is half full or half empty, my cup overfloweth with more than three-dozen business contacts.

Patience
Our first session of the day was far from perfect and I wanted to share some choice thoughts with my “partner” about his long-winded routine. But several events happened in the span of a few minutes that altered my plans.

First, I reminded myself that the participants are often unaware anything is wrong (unless I tell them or complain about the lack of time), proving ignorance is bliss. Second, my colleague immediately apologized for the lopsided segments before I could unload on him. He even solicited ideas on what could be trimmed from his PowerPoint slide deck. And shocking me to the core he asked, “What was with all the semaphore?”

Had I lost my temper with my associate for being uninformed with basic hand gestures, well, I’d be the backside of a donkey. Had I rushed to the front of the room, sacked the current quarterback and demanded my time, I’d alienate my co-instructor and the childlike actions would crush my credibility with the crowd.

Now for the gratuitous clichés and proverbs to hammer the point a little further:
1. In the end, it all works out
2. Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet
3. One minute of patience, ten years of peace

Politeness
It’s easy to be rude. Even easier to rebuke a presenter for being more focused on their coffee cup than paying attention to the audience or team teacher. But being kind in the shadow of your own frustration is disarming. It brings unforeseen rewards to the surface. As the Dalai Lama said, “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”

While my comrade was unfamiliar with the silent messages sent via body language, he responded to a friendly explanation. We completed six more presentations together and debriefed after each session, tweaking, modifying and improving our delivery.

Add up the three Ps (perspective, patience and politeness) and it equals respect. The respect you have for yourself, your audience and fellow presenter, with a calm and polished approach, will keep your credibility.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/.

Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright August 2009 Magical Concepts.