Hearty Holiday Humor

I admire and follow the philosophy of Jim Henson, the creator of the Muppets, which is, “There can be inspiration and fun in everything around us.” That’s why at every holiday party I’m prepared with a few family friendly riddles.

Between Santa, snowmen, and sugar cookies there’s a lot of good clean comedic material to launch a laugh-fest. If Kermit the Frog can avoid hazardous humor then you can too.

Yes, this type of humor might cause eyes to roll due to silly puns but I’ll bet a few candy canes you’ll repeat some of these lines at your office or home in the next few days.

Below are my hearty holiday humor lines that can be used in any presentation.

Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted snowflakes.

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house.

What kind of music do elves like best?
“Wrap” music!

Why are elves so depressed?
Because they have low elf esteem.

What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Remember the four stages of life:
1.  You believe in Santa Claus
2.  You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3.  You become Santa Claus
4.  You look like Santa Claus

Exercise Your Rights

Achieving balance during the holidays

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve! Oh my! How did Dorothy keep her girlish figure during the holidays? Jazzercise! She and her gaggle of friends danced down the yellow brick road to the hip tunes of the day. Well, that and she didn’t have multiple family gatherings and office parties with tempting high calorie treats to increase her waistline. But if Dorothy and her merry band did participate in the year-end food-o-rama, they’d provide the following tips for enjoying the holiday season without gaining weight.

Exercise

“We've been walking a long ways.” ~ Dorothy Gale

The trek to the Emerald City was accomplished by walking every single day. And research from the National Health Services shows that walking 10,000 steps a day will significantly improve your health. Whether you walk, jog, bicycle or swim, daily physical activity will relieve stress and burn up extra calories and can balance out some holiday meals.

Friends

“My, my goodness -- I can talk again!” ~ Tin Woodsman

Although food can be a big part of the season, it doesn’t have to be the focus. Holidays are a wonderful time to reunite with your buddies, share stories and give thanks. Friends have (healthy) benefits, so take advantage of the gathering to speak from the heart and offer a tasteful toast to your friends:

You are unique, morals sublime.
Character rich, one of a kind.

Maintenance

“Ain't it the truth!” ~ Cowardly Lion

A realistic goal is weight maintenance versus weight loss during the holidays. Make reasonable food choices and you’ll succeed – the foundation of the Weight Watchers food plan. If you’re still worried about the tempting treats, avoid arriving famished at the celebration. Have the courage to eat a light meal before leaving the house – a cup of soup or cheese and crackers on the stomach can help you resist sampling everything at a potluck party.

Sensible

“Oh, joy, rapture! I've got a brain!” ~ Scarecrow

It’s okay to eat. Remember moderation. And there are plenty of low fat and low calorie recipes posted online that are truly tasty. Try using applesauce in place of oil in your favorite holiday breads or make pumpkin brownies, which are yummy and contain fiber – a helpful tip from Hungry-Girl.com.

To find the Wizard of Oz and achieve their heart’s desire, Dorothy and her friends possessed the necessary resources: brains, heart and courage. You, too, can use your brain to avoid known personal food triggers, talk from your heart to reconnect with your friends and have the courage to exercise in order to enjoy the holiday season without gaining weight.

Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit www.MichaelVarma.com. Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright November 2010 Magical Concepts.

O Christmas Sneeze, O Christmas Sneeze

Are you allergic to the holiday spirit?


Before the last trick-or-treater goes to sleep, retail elves start decking the shopping malls with holiday gifts. When Christmas usurps Halloween it’s easy to feel saturated with holiday cheer and become prematurely filled with the bah-humbugs. By the time Black Friday rolls around the day after Thanksgiving, you’re primed to knock over little old ladies and their walkers to get your loved ones the latest techno-gizmo. Clearly you’re in no shape to shop. Best to apply some mental medicine and fortify your immune system so you’re in the proper frame of mind.

Point of View
As a professional performer, I live the cliché “the show must go on” and know what’s truly vital is to maintain a healthy attitude. Several years ago I was booked to do a magic show at UCLA and made the mistake of having a cup of college coffee. The brew was so strong my hands shook like a workman operating a jackhammer. I could barely shuffle a deck of cards, but my audience didn’t care. They wanted to be entertained. If I were in a movie, it would be the pivotal scene where the hero (that’s me – played by Hugh Jackman) must decide what to do: run away to perform another day or levitate beyond the jolt of java coursing through my body. I chose to reveal my caffeine quandary. Coeds and tenured professors started to laugh with (and at) me all the way through my show. I learned two important lessons: stay away from college coffee and adopt a positive attitude for a positive outcome.

Proper Perspective
Google “positive attitude” and the Internet will return more than 11 million references in less than one second. There are hundreds of articles, quotes, books, essays, games, affirmations and poems devoted to this topic, but all share one basic theme: only you have the power to choose your ’tude.

“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.”
Winston Churchill

“There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes.”
William Bennett

“A human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes.”
William James

Rudolph Rage
Going to your “happy place” seems to be more of a challenge especially when faced with long seasonal checkout lines and even longer holiday traffic conditions. How do you release the pressure and return to your jolly jingle?

Breathe.

A well known speaker’s relaxation technique, proven to reduce tension and anxiety, is deep abdominal breathing. Relax your stomach muscles and slowly inhale a deep breath through your nose for five seconds completely filling lungs. Then exhale through the mouth. Most presenters repeat this process three times to get the desired effect – a calm body and clear head in less than 30 seconds.

You can complete this temperance trick in a car, in a bar, or in a line hopefully before you whine. My reference to Dr. Seuss has a point hidden within the rhyme. You can change your attitude anytime.

So while corporate America is out making a few bucks, it’s important to remember that clerks are just doing their jobs, taking your cash, check or charge. And when they say, “Have a nice day,” “Happy Holidays,” or whatever the latest politically correct phrase is, accept it with a smile. Better yet, take a deep breath, get some latitude in your attitude and wish them a Happy New Year!


Until next time,

Michael


Copyright December 2008 Magical Concepts
Contact the author for permission to reprint