Hearty Holiday Humor

I admire and follow the philosophy of Jim Henson, the creator of the Muppets, which is, “There can be inspiration and fun in everything around us.” That’s why at every holiday party I’m prepared with a few family friendly riddles.

Between Santa, snowmen, and sugar cookies there’s a lot of good clean comedic material to launch a laugh-fest. If Kermit the Frog can avoid hazardous humor then you can too.

Yes, this type of humor might cause eyes to roll due to silly puns but I’ll bet a few candy canes you’ll repeat some of these lines at your office or home in the next few days.

Below are my hearty holiday humor lines that can be used in any presentation.

Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted snowflakes.

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house.

What kind of music do elves like best?
“Wrap” music!

Why are elves so depressed?
Because they have low elf esteem.

What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Remember the four stages of life:
1.  You believe in Santa Claus
2.  You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3.  You become Santa Claus
4.  You look like Santa Claus

Birds of a Feather Joke Together

With nearly 10,000 people following my monthly blog, I’m frequently asked to speak and present at various events. Many of the workshops, seminars and evening engagements include a “winner, winner chicken dinner,” which tickled my funny bone.

At a June luncheon I told an impromptu chicken joke which produced a hearty chuckle. The next mealtime talk I told two chicken jokes and the laughs lingered. Forget American Idol, I was quickly becoming a rising star on Chicken Idol.

I’m happy to share some of my best chicken material. I prefer clean corny (punny) humor, which matches my hammy delivery style. Use these one-liners and my favorite chicken joke at your own risk.

-  Scientists agree that a chicken crossing the road is called “poultry in motion.”

-  My nephew confirmed his chicken cross the playground to get to the other slide.

-  Beethoven disliked chickens because they keep chant, ''Bach, Bach, Bach.''

-  You get the best chicken jokes from a yolk book.

-  It is easy for baby chickens to talk because talk is cheep.

-  Chickens will never get rich because they work for chicken feed.

-  Mathematicians theorize chickens cross a Mobius strip to stay on the same side.

-  Parents don’t want chicken farms near schools, so pupils don't hear fowl language.

A chicken walks into a library and says to the librarian "book, book, book," so the librarian gives the chicken three books and it walks out.

Ten minutes later, the chicken walks in again and says "book, book, book," so once again, the librarian gives the chicken three books and it walks out.

Ten minutes later, the chicken comes back in and says "book, book, book," so the librarian gives the chicken three books and it walks out. But this time the librarian follows the chicken.

She follows the chicken across the street into the park and watches it hand the books one at a time to a frog. The frog put on his glasses and said, "readit, readit, readit."

Your Turn: What’s your favorite chicken joke?  

One-Liners for Lovers

Toasting to the ones you love.

By Michael Varma

I recently read a wedding speech book that promised readers how to get laughs, but in my humble opinion, it was geared more for roasting the couple than toasting newlyweds.

Wedding toasts should be positive as this is a new life for the couple. Remarks can still be funny. Read my opinion about Tasteful Wedding One-Liners.

Here are a dozen of my favorite one-liners for lovers – perfect for weddings, anniversaries or other romantic celebrations:

1. Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke. ~ Lynda Barry

2. Love is a game that two can play and both win. ~ Eva Gabor

3. Love means nothing in tennis, but it's everything in life.

4. Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame. ~ Henry David Thoreau

5. You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.

6. We’re here to celebrate the love match, pure and simple:
Barbara is pure and Michael is…a very nice guy.

7. Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.

8. Love is not singular except in syllable. ~ Marvin Taylor

9. The first time he saw her swimming in the sea he thought she was worth wading for.

10. Live each day as if it were your last, and each night as if it were your first.

11. Love one another and you will be happy; it's as simple and as difficult as that.

12. If you’re smart, you’ll always have the last word; if you’re wise you won’t use it.

Bonus – brief marriage jokes:

If love is blind and marriage is an institution, then marriage is an institution for the blind. Which leads me to my next question, if love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Your turn: What’s your favorite one-liner for lovers?

Michael Varma, is an award-winning instructor, professional magician, and once was excused from jury duty...by his cat. He has authored a series of educational puzzle books (Mental Blocks), created games (Arithmesticks), earned his Distinguished Toastmaster designation and recently penned a mystery novel. Michael frequently performs at the Magic Castle in Hollywood, California.

You can email Michael for a free guest pass to the Magic Castle ~ and you don’t need to subscribe to his funny and informational blog…but it would be worth it.