Three Tricks and Treats for Toasting

Learn how to ward off ghosts and goblins before taking the stage.

Halloween is a good time to be scared, but a bad time to have the hebejebes before you stand up at a party and give a toast. If you feel the tension creeping into your shoulders or your stomach tightening up it's time to relax and regain your composure. I offer three simple tricks that produce sweet treats to soothe the soul for a short soliloquy. 

Trick #1 – Listen to your favorite song or radio program.

Treat #1 – Music truly calms the savage beast whether it’s in your head, heart or tummy. I take advantage of today’s technology and have two categories of tunes on my smart phone that I can listen to at a moment’s notice. First up is my piano bar playlist. This set has more than 50 songs I love to sing. Spooky spirits and negatives nerves are vanquished  and I’m in a fantabulous mood well before the first chorus. Second is a set of NPR’s comedy Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me! podcasts. I can laugh and test my news knowledge while figuring out what's real and what’s made up by the cast of comedians.

Trick #2 – Breathe and be Brilliant.

Treat #2 – This simple two-step process of quickly inhaling through your nose for three seconds then exhaling through your mouth for six seconds releases nervous energy. It puts you back in command of your voice with more control, power and energy. I have done this on my way to the microphone when all eyes are on me. It appears that I am merely collecting my thoughts before I begin my toast.

Trick #3 – Wet your whistle and sip a half cup of water.

Treat #3 – When you remain hydrated you can prevent dry mouth syndrome. I always have a bottle of water handy especially when I’m scheduled to speak. And even though my toast will be less than three minutes long, I can sip the rest of the water and clear the cotton cobwebs that might form.

Typically only one of these tricks is necessary to halt the hobgoblins.

Bonus – Three Halloween Toasts:

Black cats prowl and pumpkins gleam,

May luck be yours this Halloween.

* * *

Halloween is sure to fright

Goblins scream throughout the night

Monsters chase you to the house

The kids are back – save your spouse

* * *

There's a goblin at my window,

A monster at my door.

The pumpkin at my table

Keeps smiling more and more.

Your turn: What are your tricks and treats for toasting?

Michael Varma is an award-winning instructor, professional magician, and once was excused from jury duty…by his cat. He has authored Tasteful Toasts, a series of educational puzzle books (Mental Blocks), created games (Arithmesticks), and frequently performs at the Magic Castle in Hollywood, California.

Yes, you can email Michael for a free guest pass to the Magic Castle ~ and you don’t need to subscribe to his funny and informational blog…but it would be worth it.

Write a Touching Toast in 10 Minutes or Less

You want to say a few words at the wedding, but you’re stuck on what to say. Fortunately there is a simple recipe to follow to help guide you through the process to write a touching toast in 10 minutes or less.

Beginning

Start by introducing yourself by name and how you know the bride and or groom. Never assume everyone knows who you are – there will be extended family members, signficiant others and a whole host of friends that will benefit from this relation information. For example, “Good evening, my name is Michael Varma and I’ve been Jeff’s golfing buddy for the last 12 years.”

Middle

Describe one to three observations you’ve made while the couple was dating, Yes, this is the sincere touching part. Before and after comparisons frequently are well received (see #1 below). Choose from the top ten prompters and examples listed below – replace he/she with the bride or groom’s name.

1.    Before he/she met you, he/she ___________. Now he/she ___________. 

      Before Michael met Barbara, he didn’t have a clue about Angel’s baseball, but now he knows Don Sutton was her favorite pitcher, all the current baseball stats, and even has purchased season tickets.

2.     I knew he/she was in love when ____________.

I knew Barbara was in love when she baked him an apple pie…from scratch.

3.    When he/she met at __________, I knew __________.

When Michael met Barbara at the Magic Castle, and that’s all he talked about for the next three days, I knew he was marrige bound.

4.     Because of you, he/she sees the world __________.

Because of Michael, Barbara sees the world as a bountiful playground.

5.     You are such a part of him/her that when you're gone he/she __________.

Barbara, you are such a part of Michael that when you’re gone he becomes homesick.

6.     He/She looks forward to laughing and __________ as you __________.

Michael looks forward to laughing and Jazzercising as they dance down Main Street USA at Disneyland.

7.     I watched him/her ________, and I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

I watched Michael and Barbara caretake their parents, and I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

8.     When you ____________, he/she saw you for the _____________ person you are.

Michael, when you took Barbara’s cat to the vet, even though you were allergic to fur and sneezed for three straight days, Barbara saw you for the gentle and caring person you are.

9.     He/She shares ___________, so together you can ___________.

Michael shares his popcorn at the movies with Barbara, so he can have an excuse to touch her hands.

10.  Your ___________ has shown him/her how to be___________.

Barbara’s generosity has shown Michael how to be more giving.

You can customize the middle a bit more by expounding – just a tad – and provide a few relevant and humorous details.

End

To conclude, raise your glass and offer a brief blessing (aka Tasteful Toasts). It can be as simple as “Cheers” to “To a long happy and healthy marriage” to my personal favorite:

Your marriage makes a perfect start

For every life is a work of art

Paint a picture filled with bliss

Treasured in your lover's kiss

Wedding vows are truly strong

May yours last forever long

Your turn: What additional prompters can you share?

Michael Varma, is an award-winning instructor, professional magician, and once was excused from jury duty by his cat. He has authored a series of educational puzzle books (Mental Blocks), created games (Arithmesticks), earned his Distinguished Toastmaster designation and recently penned a mystery novel. Michael frequently performs at the Magic Castle in Hollywood, California.

Yes, you can email Michael for a free guest pass to the Magic Castle ~ and you don’t need to subscribe to his funny and informational blog…but it would be worth it.

Fixin’ Our Stinkin’ Thinkin’

Questions to discover a simple solution

For a long time I believed accidents were always going to be in my future. Frequently I’d find myself in the wrong place at the wrong time. For example, once I was stopped at a red light and observed a car crash and another time, while out for a morning jog, a bicyclist wiped out fifty feet in front of me. Why was I a witness to so many painful accidents? Then I had an epiphany, what if I’m actually in the RIGHT place at the RIGHT time and the right person with the right skillset to provide assistance? – afterall, I had emergency medical training. I discovered that I’m not alone in this type of forward thinking.

Assess the Area

My friend Barbara Higgins is a fabulous photographer who captures special moments in a nanosecond. While shooting her Newport Beach Reflections series, she was walking on the pier and saw a couple being married with a few onlookers crowding around. She briefly assessed the area and noticed the bride and groom’s reflections in the lense of beach binoculars. Barbara was in the right place at the right time with the right equipment and skillset to snap an award winning photo (see above).

Some folks claim she is incredibly lucky, but I know she has honed her ability to assess the area and see what others have overlooked. “I’ve learned to survey the scene.” says Barbara. “I’ve done it for so long that now I’m natrually observant.”

Change the Focus

The question, “Why is this happening to me?” can be interpreted two ways: as a victim or a victor. In my initial scenarios I was being a Negative Ned whining about the collisions and calamity I saw until I changed my focus and relalized I could be a Positive Paul and provide assistance.

• Victims complain, “Bad things always happen to me.”
• Victors ask, “What can I do to make this situation better?”

This is a dressed up version of the classic question, “Is the glass half full or half empty?” but I’ll take it one step further and ask, “Regardless if the glass is half full or half empty, fill it to the rim!”

Take Action

Every day you and I have many opportunities, in our personal and professional lives, for fixin’ our stinkin’ thinkin’. Start small and follow Nike’s motto: Just Do It. Barbara Higgins agrees, “I still have to get the camera up pretty quick, focus and press the plunger before I lose my chance. Yes, I miss a few shots, but I get more than I miss.”

To be completely candid, I have not always found that simple solution when I ask, “What can I do to make the situation better?”, but I know it’s out there. Each of us have unique talents that will make a difference when we decide to ACT: Assess the Area, Change the Focus and Take Action.

Your turn: How have you fixed some stinkin’ thinkin’?

Michael Varma, is an award-winning instructor, professional magician, and once was excused from jury duty by his cat. He has authored a series of educational puzzle books (Mental Blocks), created games (Arithmesticks), earned his Distinguished Toastmaster designation and recently penned a mystery novel. Michael frequently performs at the Magic Castle in Hollywood, California.

Yes, you can email Michael for a free guest pass to the Magic Castle ~ and you don’t need to subscribe to his funny and informational blog…but it would be worth it.

The Great Ginko Goof

Learn what to do after you forget something or someone important.

I stood embarrassed like a monkey’s uncle on the stage at a family celebration when I forgot to formally acknowledge my cousin David’s engagement to his sweetie-pie Amy. Fact: every speaker, from emerging emcee to professional presenter, will encounter a lapse in memory and forget to mention something or someone important. These times of forgetfulness – known as senior moments to the older generation and brain farts to the younger – can be reduced to a minimum, but never completely avoided (see Murphy’s Law). Learning to bounce back from a blunder is a crucial skill to master. The following fundamental formula leads to success and will take your FAR: Foregive, Acknowledge and Rebuild.

FORGIVE Yourself

When you make an omission, which I call “Ginko Goofs” – named after the great memory aid ginko biloba, accept the fact you made a mistake and forgive yourself. The more you say “I’m perfect” or “I never make a mistake” means you’re in true-blue denial and your pending ginko goof will be gigantic.

It’s vital to release the self-imposed guilt, which is easier to write than do, but I was finally able to let it go…the next day. I can’t change the past, but I can fix the future.

ACKNOWLEDGE the Ommission

Had I realized my gaff, I would have politely acknowledged my ommission and made amends. A simple and effective explanation of, “My adrenaline was pumping so fast that my brain short-circutted like Homer Simpson: Doh! I forgot to recognize my cousin David, who’s adrenaline is pumping harder and faster because Amy just said ‘Yes’ to his proposal. Amy, please pardon him for any mental malfunctions that might occur in the next 72 hours.”

But I didn’t grasp the depth of my ginko goof until much later. Double Doh! No way to fix my faux pas infront of family and friends. David and Amy must have felt unappreciated or unimportant when the exact opposite is true. What to do?

REBUILD the Friendship

The top question to answer is, “How can I rebuild the relationship after I falter?” Simple and direct tends to work best, so I called my cousin and apologized. David said, “It's all good. I think everyone has forgotten someone during a speech at one time or another.” Classy.

Another option is to give special attention to the person(s) after the fact. Ask yourself, “Where’s the opportunity in the mistake?” Besides, a life without a few ginko goofs is, well, boring.

Your turn: How have you overcome a ginko goof?

Michael Varma, is an award-winning instructor, professional magician, and once was excused from jury duty by his cat. He has authored a series of educational puzzle books (Mental Blocks), created games (Arithmesticks), earned his Distinguished Toastmaster designation and recently penned a mystery novel. Michael frequently performs at the Magic Castle in Hollywood, California.

Yes, you can email Michael for a free guest pass to the Magic Castle ~ and you don’t need to subscribe to his funny and informational blog…but it would be worth it.

Waffle Wedded Wife

Giggles that started a joyful marriage.

One of the joys of writing articles is when readers send me success stories, giggle generating jokes or videos like the Waffle Wedded Wife clip, which you can see on my Tasteful Toasts blog website. It’s a good reminder that you can still have fun when you flub a line.

The Gospel About Giggles

Laughter IS the best medicine. Need proof? The following is a list of the top ten fascinating fun facts from reputable institutions around the world regarding mirth’s medicinal qualities:

1. There are 18 different kinds of smiles – the most common is the smile of enjoyment.

2. Thirteen muscles are used to smile, but 47 are required for frowning.

3. You have to smile nearly a quarter of a million times to make one wrinkle.

4. You can stimulate your heart and lungs and improve breathing capacity by laughing.

5. Laughing one hundred times a day is equal to ten minutes of rowing.

6. Fifteen minutes of laughter equals the benefit of two hours sleep.

7. One good belly laugh burns off three and a half calories.

8. Laughter causes endorphins to be released, similar to a joggers’ 'high'.

9. Laughter releases feelings of anger, fear, guilt, anxiety and tension.

10. Laughter is contagious.

Two additional fun facts – my favorites – are 1) the average adult laughs 15 times a day and 2) children laugh about 400 times a day. I think I’ll follow the example the kids are setting for us.

In the case of the Waffle Wedded Wife video, there is a moral to the story: when you make a mistake, acknowledge it and move on. Everything will turn out fine.

Your turn: What gets you to giggle?

Michael Varma, is an award-winning instructor, professional magician, and once was excused from jury duty…by his cat. He has authored a series of educational puzzle books (Mental Blocks), created games (Arithmesticks), earned his Distinguished Toastmaster designation and recently penned a mystery novel. Michael frequently performs at the Magic Castle in Hollywood, California.

One-Liners for Lovers

Toasting to the ones you love.

By Michael Varma

I recently read a wedding speech book that promised readers how to get laughs, but in my humble opinion, it was geared more for roasting the couple than toasting newlyweds.

Wedding toasts should be positive as this is a new life for the couple. Remarks can still be funny. Read my opinion about Tasteful Wedding One-Liners.

Here are a dozen of my favorite one-liners for lovers – perfect for weddings, anniversaries or other romantic celebrations:

1. Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke. ~ Lynda Barry

2. Love is a game that two can play and both win. ~ Eva Gabor

3. Love means nothing in tennis, but it's everything in life.

4. Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame. ~ Henry David Thoreau

5. You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.

6. We’re here to celebrate the love match, pure and simple:
Barbara is pure and Michael is…a very nice guy.

7. Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.

8. Love is not singular except in syllable. ~ Marvin Taylor

9. The first time he saw her swimming in the sea he thought she was worth wading for.

10. Live each day as if it were your last, and each night as if it were your first.

11. Love one another and you will be happy; it's as simple and as difficult as that.

12. If you’re smart, you’ll always have the last word; if you’re wise you won’t use it.

Bonus – brief marriage jokes:

If love is blind and marriage is an institution, then marriage is an institution for the blind. Which leads me to my next question, if love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Your turn: What’s your favorite one-liner for lovers?

Michael Varma, is an award-winning instructor, professional magician, and once was excused from jury duty...by his cat. He has authored a series of educational puzzle books (Mental Blocks), created games (Arithmesticks), earned his Distinguished Toastmaster designation and recently penned a mystery novel. Michael frequently performs at the Magic Castle in Hollywood, California.

You can email Michael for a free guest pass to the Magic Castle ~ and you don’t need to subscribe to his funny and informational blog…but it would be worth it.