The Hairy Toe

Old Mrs. Piedmont lived in a log cabin in the tiny town of Frazier Park, California, in the early 1800s. She would forage for food every day hoping to capture a rabbit or other small game but often had to dig up some roots and cook them for dinner. One day while picking mushrooms from the base of her favorite tree, she spotted something strange sticking out of the ground. She brushed away the topsoil until she uncovered a great big hairy toe. There was some good meat on that toe and it would make a mighty tasty dinner. With a single whack of her hatchet old Mrs. Piedmont dislodged the toe, put it in her basket and took it home.

When she got back to her cabin, she boiled her vittles in a kettle and had hairy toe soup for dinner. The meat was so tender she ate it right off the bone. It was the best meal she'd had in weeks! With a full stomach old Mrs. Piedmont fell fast asleep at the kitchen table next to her napkin and the toenail clipping.

The moon rose, crossed the night sky and seemed to stop directly over her house. Cold wind started blowing and growing stronger until it howled through the tree tops. A soft hollow voice was carried through the air calling out, "Hairy toe! Hairy toe! I want my hairy toe!" Inside the house, old Mrs. Piedmont stirred and nervously looked around.

From the woods came a stomp-squish, stomp-squish, stomp-squish noise and the wind whistled louder. At the edge of the forest, she could make out a ghoulish cry: "Hairy toe! Hairy toe! I want my hairy toe!" Old Mrs. Piedmont shuddered and ran to the door and barred it.

Stomp-squish, stomp-squish, stomp-squish sounds came from the garden path outside her cabin. Mournful moans shook her window shutters: "Hairy toe! Hairy toe! I want my hairy toe!"

The front door burst open with a bang, snapping the bar in two and a massive figure walked through the shattered doorway – stomp-squish, stomp-squish, stomp-squish. It demanded: "Hairy toe! Hairy toe! I want my hairy toe!" and pointed to the missing digit.

Old Mrs. Piedmont shouted in terror, "But I ATE your hairy toe!"

“And I want it back.” The giant advanced into the room stomp-squish, stomp-squish, stomp-squish.

Old Mrs. Piedmont was never seen again.

And still to this day, more than 200 years later, people still ask, “What does hairy toe soup taste like?” It ain’t toe bad – tastes like chicken.

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[Author’s note: Telling this story has worked well with all ages and was an adaptation of a Maryland folktale.]

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/.

Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright October 2009 Magical Concepts.

What to be Said After They’re Wed?

Two topics for an appropriate anniversary toast

Remember that merry day of matrimony? It seemed like only last year the happy couple went willingly down the aisle toward wedded bliss. Some may have been “coaxed,” but the fact remains it’s their anniversary – time to celebrate another successful 52 weeks of togetherness. In addition to giving her a Nordstrom shopping spree and him a flat screen TV, an appropriate verbal gift is to remind them why they said “I do.”

Toasting Topic #1: Equality
Reminisce how the bride and groom, each strong and stable on their own, now function in the divine interdependency of marriage – a worthy status according to Oprah and Psychology Today. Cite examples, then and now, of how this dynamic duo balance work and play and still has time to save the planet.

Their equally-matched talents are what make them the perfect pair. Take the initiative and share your memories of how this man and wife improve the quality of your life, making it a priceless gift indeed.

Suggested Toast #1
With one look into your eyes
You cannot disguise
Your zest for life
As man and wife

Toasting Topic #2: Harmony
Some couples complement each other extremely well, like the bass and treble clefs on piano sheet music. Together these love birds make a marvelous marriage melody. Their passion can only be labeled a la the classic movie The Princess Bride as “twue love.”

Obvious mutual affection and respect between this twosome are easily noted and need not be labored with a long-winded anecdote. Best to skip directly to the toast, followed by dessert.

Suggested Toast #2
You are blessed from above
With devotion and love
I have a good notion
To second His motion
We bid you good cheers
Partners in love for many more years

From the first wedding anniversary to the twenty-fifth and beyond, share your observations with your family, friends and guests with a tasteful toast. Rejoice in their successful union and take pride in reminding folks attending the celebration why a happy man and wife make a happy span of life.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/. Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright September 2009 Magical Concepts.

Keep Your Credibility

Without losing your cool or your clients

I committed a huge faux pas several months ago and almost lost my credibility as a presenter. My mental TiVo keeps replaying the moments leading up to the mishap until a self-induced coma takes over – a common disease known as “analysis paralysis.” I was the second half of a tag team training session and noticed my teammate was running way too long. When I took the floor, I had less than 15 minutes to cram in 45 minutes of material. But I kept my credibility (and cool) by remembering the three Ps: perspective, patience and politeness.

Perspective
I stood in the back of the room so only the presenter could see me circling my index finger in the, air my universal sign for “wrap it up.” When that didn’t work I tried the basketball referee, hand paddling move for traveling. Nothing. I pointed to my watch then drew my hand across my throat for “cut.” The speaker never acknowledged my presence.

I could have interrupted, played more charades or completed jumping jacks to get his attention, but decided to sit down and look at the situation from a different point of view. While I found his material to be somewhere between uninteresting and downright boring, both in presentation and content, others thought it spot-on. If the audience shared my opinion then I needed to compress my information into a compact, entertaining and powerful message or make it available through another source.

A hybrid solution came to me: I used my meager ten minutes to provide a high-level overview with a few intriguing facts and asked for business cards with email addresses in order to forward additional details. While some ponder if the glass is half full or half empty, my cup overfloweth with more than three-dozen business contacts.

Patience
Our first session of the day was far from perfect and I wanted to share some choice thoughts with my “partner” about his long-winded routine. But several events happened in the span of a few minutes that altered my plans.

First, I reminded myself that the participants are often unaware anything is wrong (unless I tell them or complain about the lack of time), proving ignorance is bliss. Second, my colleague immediately apologized for the lopsided segments before I could unload on him. He even solicited ideas on what could be trimmed from his PowerPoint slide deck. And shocking me to the core he asked, “What was with all the semaphore?”

Had I lost my temper with my associate for being uninformed with basic hand gestures, well, I’d be the backside of a donkey. Had I rushed to the front of the room, sacked the current quarterback and demanded my time, I’d alienate my co-instructor and the childlike actions would crush my credibility with the crowd.

Now for the gratuitous clichés and proverbs to hammer the point a little further:
1. In the end, it all works out
2. Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet
3. One minute of patience, ten years of peace

Politeness
It’s easy to be rude. Even easier to rebuke a presenter for being more focused on their coffee cup than paying attention to the audience or team teacher. But being kind in the shadow of your own frustration is disarming. It brings unforeseen rewards to the surface. As the Dalai Lama said, “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”

While my comrade was unfamiliar with the silent messages sent via body language, he responded to a friendly explanation. We completed six more presentations together and debriefed after each session, tweaking, modifying and improving our delivery.

Add up the three Ps (perspective, patience and politeness) and it equals respect. The respect you have for yourself, your audience and fellow presenter, with a calm and polished approach, will keep your credibility.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/.

Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright August 2009 Magical Concepts.

Acapella Amplified

Managing a microphone is all about location

Unless you’re a karaoke king or decibel diva, using a microphone effectively takes a little practice. Gone are the days of yowling like a hepcat because today’s technology can amplify your normal speaking voice. But proper placement of the mic is key.

Location, Location, Location
Imagine your microphone is a flashlight shining a V-shaped light toward your face. This area is known as the hot zone. Your voice is best amplified when you talk over or across, not directly into, this region. Speaking down the shaft of light, known as “crowding the mic,” may distort and garble your words. Some folks overcompensate positioning the microphone too far away and sounding distant. Others place the mic too close to their mouths creating a cold spot – when they turn their heads, words are completely lost to the audience. You might feel a little like Goldilocks testing what’s too hot and too cold until you settle on a position that is just right. Most wireless microphones can be held about a six inches away from the mouth for best clarity.


Dress for Success
Both wired and wireless clip-on lavaliere microphones require presenters to consider microphone-friendly clothing. Buttons, jewelry and long hair can rub or tap against the microphone’s head causing distracting noises. A scarf, loose tie or billowing blouse may rustle softly and will be picked up, amplified and transmitted throughout the room – I hope corduroy doesn’t come back in style. Most lavalieres require a transmitter to be clipped onto a belt or slid into a pocket. Wear the appropriate attire and accessories to minimize any unwanted commotion.

Testing: 1, 2, 3
You’ll quickly realize the microphone is your friend, allowing you to speak softly and carry a big message. Whether you’re a newly published author out on your first press junket or giving a tasteful toast at a party, always arrive a little early and take the equipment out on a test drive. Rehearse what you’re going to say using the microphone. Pray that the audiovisual kid in school grew up to be a technician and is available to assist you with your sound check. Experiment with your vocal variety, pitch and rhythm while someone moves around the room to gauge how well your voice can be heard.

A microphone is an excellent tool to help you engage a large audience. Find the proper placement for the equipment and a bit of time to practice and you’ll be ready for a recording contract.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/.

Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright July 2009 Magical Concepts.

Typos are Terrific

Homage to the unsung heroes of a first draft

Treat your typos with respect because they are the first casualties of a supreme sentence. They freely lay down their lives on the printed page as you feverishly tap away on the keyboard pouring out your thoughts during the perfect brainstorm. Every fi, nad or butt that survive auto-spell check await calmly for you, the editor, to surgically repair the broken vocabulary.

Napkin Notes
You might be at your laptop when that initial inspiration beams into your brain. Your fingers morph into something crazy only seen on the Sci Fi Channel and your hands do their best to keep up with your stream of consciousness.

Frequently I’m eating food, any food – snack or regular mealtime – it doesn’t matter, when my big ideas begin to pop. I’ve written entire stories on a dozen cocktail napkins only to transcribe them into slightly better gibberish when I get back to my computer. I let the words flow and clean up the hasty blunders later, both when I put pen to paper and subject to screen.

It’s most important to get the revelation out of your head and scribbled onto something tangible. Editing will come later, but for now the comma cops will turn a blind eye while you complete your preliminary outline and run-on sentences.

Dreadful Drafts
Be grateful for every rough copy and synopsis written, especially when it’s bad. The fact you can recognize how horrible it is brings confidence to your correction abilities. This is the fun part where you flesh out your ideas, focus on characters and enhance scenes after the initial structure is on paper.

With the advent of computers, editing is easier than writing a cliché. Relocating entire sections to create a better and logical flow is easy as cut-and-paste. The beloved thesaurus and built-in dictionary clean up the poorest prose, so authors can make their sentences sing. The punctuation police will monitor dashes, quote marks and the occasional exclamation point (one in every six pages), which are easily added to emphasize the point.

Getting the next best seller, presentation outline or tasteful toast out of your noggin is the biggest battle. There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. Don’t do both correcting spelling and grammar on the initial brain dump; just focus on the idea. Then edit and pay homage to the typos, those brave little characters, the unsung heroes, of a first draft.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/.

Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright June 2009 Magical Concepts.

The Better to Hear You With

Four key elements of storytelling

“What happened next?” will be your three favorite words. Paint a vivid picture and your audience will “see” what you’re saying. They’ll inch forward on their seats, listen with their eyes and ears giving you their full attention – all because you know the secret of how to tell a good story. Some of the best and often funniest stories are best told as anecdotes just before the wedding toast. These vignettes follow a simple formula: PLOT (Purpose, Listeners, Organized, and Time).

Purpose
Each anecdote should deliver a message, demonstrate a point, convey a feeling or an overall purpose – like in Aesop’s Fables and sum up the point in one succinct sentence. For example, Bob is head over heels in love with Betty (cliché, but let’s go with it). Now tell a story of how Bob showed his deep passion for his bride-to-be. At the end of your anecdote the meaning should be obvious and the listeners will easily grasp or identify the concept. So, determine your purpose and the plot will thicken.

Listeners
For people to remember what you’ve said, you must reach listeners on an emotional level. Breathe life into your story’s characters and situations by describing specific parts of a scene, on action taking place or through expressive dialogue. Instead of saying, “Bob was in the kitchen,” which is flat and boring, elaborate: “Bob was wearing his new ‘Kiss the Cook’ apron and every inch of the kitchen counter was covered with all the contents of the refrigerator.” Add more flavor with dramatic voicing, pauses, expressive body language and facial expressions to help the audience connect with you and visualize the setting.

Organization
When a storyteller jumps around to seemingly random thoughts it only confuses the listeners. Tell your anecdote in a logical sequence. Make it clear, focused and easy so your audience can follow the storyline. Avoid endless details and unnecessary tangents. Have something happen in the story at a specific time and place affecting the main character. This creates a problem which needs to be resolved, followed by a series of events (the action) that reaches a climax then concludes. At the end of your account the story should connect to the overall purpose.

Timing
Brevity is paramount for anecdotes. A short creative story will quickly clarify and support your point. A beautiful byproduct of a two-minute tale is the ease of use: easy for you to remember the story and easy for your audience to remember it.

Assemble all the parts of your PLOT and you’ll have a successful and brief anecdote. For example:

“I knew Bob was on the road to marriage when he made dinner for Betty. Only true love can make a man who lives on frozen dinners and Domino’s pizza reach beyond his current skill set and boil water for something more than JELL-O. One night I walked into his bachelor’s apartment, which was decorated in jet black furniture, to find him standing in the kitchen wearing his newly purchased Kiss the Cook apron. Every inch of the counter was covered with all the contents of the refrigerator. There was a little flour in the air…and in his hair. When Bob saw me, he said, “I’m making food to eat. For me and Betty. Supper.” The only things missing were his club and cave. But alas, isn’t that what true love is all about?”

In less than 150 words, a complete story can be told. Images of each scene are painted in your listeners’ minds, logically linking from one thought to another seasoned with a little humor. A good anecdote will almost tell itself.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/.

Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright May 2009 Magical Concepts.

The Waiting Game

Clock watchers get left behind in economic times

Waiting for the perfect time to pitch an idea, write a query letter or send a resume? Then you might have missed the proverbial boat because your competition isn’t slowing down. Many people are fond of playing the waiting game, but the smart money is on folks following through during the slow season.

We’ve all heard “Businesses don’t hire during the holidays” and “I’ll have to update my resume.” Current excuses revolve around the stalling economy: “I’ll start calling when things begin to pick up.” Until that magic time occurs, citizens head home to watch a little boob tube, grow old and complacent about the lack of prospects. Internal justifications quickly transform into the new procrastination tool and before you can say HDTV you’re hooked on the latest soap-opera-reality-game TV show.

Employers are constantly asking associates to do more with fewer resources. The new mantra – work smarter, not harder – is no longer lip service, it’s expected of every employee. American inventor and businessman Thomas Edison said it best: “There is a better way to do it. Find it.”

If your industry is truly slow then your first priority is to make yourself the top qualified talent and shine through the sea of mediocrity. Surpass the rest by being the best.

We are all sales people. We sell ourselves to prospective employers at a job interview, present our company’s goods to current and future customers, or write query letters to pitch our great American multi-million-dollar novel to an agent. And if you’re truly honest with yourself, you know there’s always something to do, like cultivate existing relationships to network for your eventual net worth.

Every farmer knows you wake up early, plant seeds now to harvest a fruitful future. Instead of watching the clock tick by, use those idle hours to improve or develop a new skill set.

Stop loitering in your life. Learn to reach out for assistance from a friend, boss or mentor and use your time wisely. Whether you’re climbing the corporate ladder or personal steps of success, winners know, the slow season is the grow season.

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Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit http://www.michaelvarma.com/.

Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright April 2009 Magical Concepts.