skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Last year Ireland’s population was 6.4 million and 42 million United States residents claim Irish ancestry (thank you Wikipedia). In the big scheme of things, I suspect I’m about 2% Irish affording me a peck on the cheek and at least one green beer this St. Patrick’s Day.
While there are hundreds of Irish toasts to raise your mug to, my years of patrolling pubs revealed rainbows of tall tales and a pot leprechaun limericks, riddles and jokes. Below are some choice clean green comedy to share that might get you a free pint from Shamus:
Irish Toasts
May the roof above us never fall in,
and may we friends beneath it never fall out.
You’re my best friend and like a four leaf clover:
hard to find and lucky to have.
May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light,
May good luck pursue you each morning and night.
Leprechaun Limericks
There once was a young man named Sean,
Whose wish came from a sly leprechaun,
To be surrounded by dough,
Was what he wanted, so,
In six months he was born as a fawn.
There once was on leprechaun
Who lived in a stump on my lawn
He had hoarded much gold
Hidden safely, I’m told
For he feared that someday it’d be gone
Irish Proverbs
A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures.
Your feet will take you where you heart is
What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.
You'll never plough a field by turning it over in your mind.
You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.
Irish Jokes
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.
The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"Oh my!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I get to keep the money?"
Two Irishmen were getting ready to go on a camping trip.
First one said, "I'm taking a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?"
"Rattlesnakes."
An Englishman walks into a pub and says, “I’ve got some great Irish jokes.”
“Before you start,” said the big bloke in the corner, “You need to know I’m Irish.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll tell them slowly.
An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot, "Lord," he prayed," I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday." Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, "Never mind, I found one."
“How far is it to the next village?” asked the American tourist.
“It’s about seven miles,” guessed the leprechaun, “But it’s only five if you run!”
Bonus:
You can download and print this two-side sheet of Tomfoolery (pdf 691 kb) to aide your memory.
Your Turn: What’s your favorite Irish toast, leprechaun limerick, riddle or joke?
I remember laughing in class after hearing the classic question: “What would you do if you could not fail?” I thought, That’s silly, at some point in time everyone fails. I can learn from my and other people’s mistakes, so failing can be transformed into a good thing. But I played the instructor’s game and quickly realized the exercise was designed to motivate me beyond my fear of failure and to act. While his challenging question jumpstarted my brain into action, I found more freedom and success from a difference workshop that featured the concept of the magic square.
When I imagine my life is like a magic square, then every direction I travel is in the right path. Whether I go up, down, left, right, diagonal, or fly to the four corners, I will reach the right destination. Try it. Add any four numbers from the magic square – up, down, left, right, diagonal or the four corners – and see what you get.
To me, this means I’m always in the right place at the right time with the right number to make magical things happen. If I work hard towards any of my 2014 New Year’s resolutions and give 501 percent then I have five different winning solutions.
I cannot fail.
True, sometimes it might take me longer to realize the right path. I might focus on the obvious left/right, up/down, and diagonal options and overlook the less obvious –like the four bottom right or four center squares. Success often comes from the most unlikely places.
The magic square method proves we are not alone. We are part of an intelligent solution –a piece of the puzzle within the bigger picture. In a word: teamwork. As Michael Jordan said, “Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence wins championships.”
To offer a real-world example, when we celebrate life’s events, (We Bid You Good Cheer) the recipient(s), the party, the audience and quite possibly a tasteful toast can be parts of your magic square. The words said in loving tribute, a.k.a. the toast, is your contribution to the winning combination and will help enhance the evening’s festivities moving us along the right path.
Your turn: How can the lesson of the magic square help you?
Becoming a self-motivated dynamo is easy as one, two, three and generates three glorious benefits: clarity, confidence and charisma. We’ll do this together. Get a blank piece of paper and pen – I know, so “old school” – but this allows you to read and write as we go step by step.
1. Write down your goals.
Merchandising mogul J.C. Penny said, “Give me a stock clerk with a goal, and I will give you a man who will make history. Give me a man without a goal, and I will give you a stock clerk.” Let’s make your history. Get your goals out of your head and on paper so you can see and read what you want. This gives you immediate focus and clarity.
2. Write down specific goals.
Look at your list and edit each line to be specific. The more detailed you are the better. Here are a couple of examples of how to modify your list.
Good: I want to lose weight.
Better: I will lose 12 pounds.
Good: I want to save money.
Better: I will save $140.
Good: I want to give a tasteful toast.
Better: I will say a tasteful toast for Bob’s birthday.
E.B. White, American author best known for English language style guide, The Elements of Style, and Charlotte’s Web said, “I rewrite a good deal to make it clear.” With minor practice you’ll skip step two and get-it-all-done in step number one, which reinforces clarity and builds your confidence.
3. Write down due dates.
“Goals are dreams with deadlines,” is a quote from Think and Grow Rich author Napoleon Hill. Adding a simple target due date feeds your instinctual need to achieve and succeed.
Better: I will lose 12 pounds.
Best: I will lose 12 pounds by March 15th (1 pound a week).
Better: I will save $140.
Best: I will save $140 a month ($5 a day).
Better: I will say a tasteful toast for Bob’s birthday.
Best: I will say a tasteful toast for Bob’s birthday on July 20th.
Review your list and prioritize based upon the earliest due date. Look at item number one and write down the first three actions you need to take in order to complete this goal, then do items one, two and three.
Clarity and confidence are intangible feelings that grow out of achievement, which translate into charisma that will manifest in the way you walk and talk as you complete each step in reaching your ultimate goal.
Follow the above write steps and you’ll be in the right place at the right time and be a winner!
Related Articles:
Pick One and Get It Done
Find Your Focus and Win Your Game
New Year’s Nuptials
Your turn: What goal are you going to focus on and follow through to completion?
I admire and follow the philosophy of Jim Henson, the creator of the Muppets, which is, “There can be inspiration and fun in everything around us.” That’s why at every holiday party I’m prepared with a few family friendly riddles.
Between Santa, snowmen, and sugar cookies there’s a lot of good clean comedic material to launch a laugh-fest. If Kermit the Frog can avoid hazardous humor then you can too.
Yes, this type of humor might cause eyes to roll due to silly puns but I’ll bet a few candy canes you’ll repeat some of these lines at your office or home in the next few days.
Below are my hearty holiday humor lines that can be used in any presentation.
Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted snowflakes.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house.
What kind of music do elves like best?
“Wrap” music!
Why are elves so depressed?
Because they have low elf esteem.
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
Remember the four stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You become Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus
I used to feel embarrassed and socially inept when I forgot people’s names until I learned that 90 percent of healthy adults forget names. Yay, I’m normal. But as a magician and frequent public speaker I can meet up to two hundred people in a week and want to greet them by name when we meet again. In my quest to get better at this, here’s what I’ve learned.
Memory expert Harry Lorayne (also a master magician) is the world's foremost memory-training specialist and the author of The Memory Book, which topped the New York Times bestseller list for more than 50 weeks.
Lorayne’s memory training method “has worked for literally millions of people all over the world for decades!” says Harry. Prominent people like New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg, Secretary of State Colin Powell, Sir Anthony Hopkins, Alan Alda, Mel Brooks and many others his system to acquire a better than photographic memory.
Here are six ways to win the name game.
Get it right the first time
I was guilty of this in the past. My problem was not paying proper attention and didn’t fully hear their name when I initially met them (storage). This made it difficult later to recall their name when I next saw them (retrieval).
Storage:
1. People love the sound of their own names, so don’t be embarrassed to ask them to repeat it or even spell it. You’ll actually flatter them if you do.
a. Look into their eyes when learning their name.
b. Silently repeat it three times to yourself.
c. Use their name at the beginning and end of the conversation.
2. Link their name to an occupation, hobby or distinguishing facial feature. Adding an alliteration to assist, so if you’re introduced to a Mrs. Trish Chambers with prominent cheekbones, think “Cheekbones Chambers” or if she’s a cute chef then remember “Trish the Dish."3. Most people are visual learners, which explains why we rarely forget faces but often forget names. When you associate names to ridiculous pictures, your mind’s eye permanently stores this information for immediate recall. For example, if you want to remember the name Barry Stein, visualize a tiny dog burying (Barry) a huge beer stein (Stein) in the ground.
Get Up to Speed
As you get up to speed with proper storage techniques you might occasionally forget a name. So how do you ask a person’s forgotten name without offending them? Here are three ways of asking.
Retrieval:
4. Tactful: “Can you remind me of your name?”
5. Funny: “I’ve drawn a blank – early senior moment – your name is…?”
6. Clever: “You look like my cousin Amy, but you’re not her. Your name is…?”
You’ll see immediate results employing any one of the three storage techniques and the three retrievals are polite and appropriate in any setting. Train your brain and form better habits for remembering names and you’ll win the name game.
*Bonus* Party Time Tips
Whenever possible take the lead and offer your name first and the guest will reciprocate. Here are a few opening lines:
- “Hi, I’m Michael, Barbara’s husband.”
- “Why don’t you introduce yourself to Pam?”
- “Have you met my brother, Steve?”
Your turn: What memory tips and tricks do you use?
With nearly 10,000 people following my monthly blog, I’m frequently asked to speak and present at various events. Many of the workshops, seminars and evening engagements include a “winner, winner chicken dinner,” which tickled my funny bone.
At a June luncheon I told an impromptu chicken joke which produced a hearty chuckle. The next mealtime talk I told two chicken jokes and the laughs lingered. Forget American Idol, I was quickly becoming a rising star on Chicken Idol.
I’m happy to share some of my best chicken material. I prefer clean corny (punny) humor, which matches my hammy delivery style. Use these one-liners and my favorite chicken joke at your own risk.
- Scientists agree that a chicken crossing the road is called “poultry in motion.”
- My nephew confirmed his chicken cross the playground to get to the other slide.
- Beethoven disliked chickens because they keep chant, ''Bach, Bach, Bach.''
- You get the best chicken jokes from a yolk book.
- It is easy for baby chickens to talk because talk is cheep.
- Chickens will never get rich because they work for chicken feed.
- Mathematicians theorize chickens cross a Mobius strip to stay on the same side.
- Parents don’t want chicken farms near schools, so pupils don't hear fowl language.
A chicken walks into a library and says to the librarian "book, book, book," so the librarian gives the chicken three books and it walks out.
Ten minutes later, the chicken walks in again and says "book, book, book," so once again, the librarian gives the chicken three books and it walks out.
Ten minutes later, the chicken comes back in and says "book, book, book," so the librarian gives the chicken three books and it walks out. But this time the librarian follows the chicken.
She follows the chicken across the street into the park and watches it hand the books one at a time to a frog. The frog put on his glasses and said, "readit, readit, readit."
Your Turn: What’s your favorite chicken joke?
