Tasteful Wedding One-Liners

Remember the two golden rules to pack a loving punch.

Adding humor to a wedding or anniversary party is always welcome, but it requires that you follow the two golden rules: tell good clean jokes and jest in favor of marriage. This can be a tall order because most wedding wisecracks are far from wise. Even the great comedic legend Milton Berle said, “Marriage is a great institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” Below are my top ten picks of tasteful wedding one-liners that can be personalize by replacing bride, groom, husband or wife with the actual people’s names.

1. A good wife will always forgive her husband when she's wrong.

2. A husband is not a yes-man; when his wife says no, he says no.

3. Why did the groom cross the road? Because his wife was on the other side.

4. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

5. The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest that perhaps he’s too old to do it.

6. Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

7. Marriages are made in heaven, but the details are worked out on earth.

8. Single people are looking for a prize; married people find a reward.

9. To error is to be single, to get married is divine.

10. “Husband and wife” is an anagram for “Fun was had in bed.”

Even these top ten one-liners can pack a punch depending on the size, age and culture of your of your audience. Use your best judgment. If you’re still in doubt then leave it out. Go toward the white wedding light and you’ll always be right.

Bonus – a brief marriage joke:

A man walks up to a gorgeous woman in a large grocery store and says, “Excuse me but, I’ve lost my wife somewhere here in the market, could you talk to me for a few minutes?” “Why?” she asks. “Well, whenever I talk to beautiful woman my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere.”

Your turn - share your favorite tasteful wedding one-liner, today!

Michael Varma is a freelance writer, award-winning presenter and professional magician. To learn more, visit www.MichaelVarma.com. Contact Michael Varma, the author of Tasteful Toasts, for permission to reprint this article. Copyright August 2011 Magical Concepts.

The Magical Minister

“You remember the TV show Friends?–” I asked my dinner companions, “–the episode where Joey gets ordained through the Internet to be a minister to marry Monica and Chandler?”

“Yeah,” they said in stereo.

“Well, I’m gunna be Joey!”

Their jaws dropped and heads cocked sideways like dogs looking at their master trying to understand the gibberish coming out of his mouth.

My wife and I had experienced similar reactions as we stared at each other, while a disembodied voice came through our home office speaker phone and popped the question: “Michael, would you officiate at our wedding?”

That’s right, this crazy Californian scandalized his Southern-in-laws last month, losing any chance of being mentioned in their wills, by marrying one of the kin to his Stanford sweetheart in a beautiful hilltop wedding ceremony. I guess my ordination through the Internet doesn’t carry the same weight of a traditional Baptist preacher.

I side-stepped years of seminary school with a click, sign-on, and “You’ve got ministry credentials.” In most states wedding can be performed by "any currently ordained clergyman or religious authority of any religious denomination or society," ergo, it’s legal.

I was flattered to be asked and honored to unite Brian and Tiffany in marriage. To stand before an audience and perform a different kind of service, beyond my normal skills as a magician or public speaker, is high praise and even a higher compliment. Every marriage is special – this one has a little extra magic.

So, Ladies and gentlemen, for my next trick, I’d like to present to you, for the first time via the internet, Mr. and Mrs. Brian and Tiffany Neal.

[Excerpt from the Magical Minister’s ceremony]

Brian and Tiffany, may your marriage bring every excitement a new marriage should bring, and provide opportunities for patience, tolerance, and understanding. Let your strengths and weaknesses complement each other creating a bond as strong as the earth, as brilliant as the heavens. You will confirm love is more than verses on Valentine's Day and romance in the movies. Love is a fortune that can never be spent, a seed that can flourish – in even the most unlikely of places, and holds a magical radiance that never fades. Love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love is patient and kind. Love never ends.

Both couples, Monica & Chandler and Tiffany & Brian, are happily married.

Copyright June 2008 Magical Concepts

Contact the author for permission to reprint