Have the Courage to Compliment

Praise is powerful and under the right circumstances it can be transformational unlocking the human potential. You might think I’m exaggerating the effects of a simple and sincere compliment, but evolution and science is on my side.

Why You Don’t Compliment
Our brains are wired to pay more attention and give more weight to negative experiences as opposed to positive ones. Cavemen and women learned to stay safe from daily dangers (a.k.a. negative and life-threatening experiences) and have evolved to meet new social fears emerged. Here are the top three excuses for why you don’t compliment:

-   I’m shy.
-   They already know.
-   I don’t know what to say.

I’ll override these objections in order: 1) Compliments are a low risk and offer high returns, which is an excellent way to overcome your shy social anxiety. 2) Most people love to hear how well they did and often rarely receive positive feedback. 3) You’ll learn how to give a compliment in less than a minute in a few paragraphs.

Benefits of Compliments
Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Compliments will boost the confidence, self-esteem and respect for both the giver and receiver. Simple positive feedback can truly be all that stands between someone being successful and giving up. Beyond the basic feel good factor, here are the top three reasons to praise:

-   Encourage strugglers to achieve.

-   Reinforce learning a new task.

-   Strengthen relationships.

Offering an accomplished person a compliment can lead to self-improvement and finding a mentor. “I really enjoyed your presentation today. How did you get so comfortable with public speaking?”

How to Give a Compliment
Without delay, here are the steps to take in order to provide a heartfelt compliment:
 
1.   Pick a person. It can be a coworker, mailman, secretary, boss, teacher, stranger, friend or enemy. Use their name as it conveys respect and because most people appreciate hearing their own name.

2.   Find a feature. Characteristics can be concrete or intangible like a smile, sunny disposition or hairstyle. If your praise is vague, it can sound insincere so be specific.

3.   State with sincerity. Only give a compliment when you actually mean it otherwise it will fall flat. Unearned praise is false flattery and can be perceived as manipulation. Honest comments ring the bell of truth and are valued above all.
 
Examples of compliments:
“Barbara, that’s a lovely blue coat you’re wearing.”
“Pamela, I admire your ability to provide insightful editing.”
“Steve, I appreciate you support more than Santa appreciates chimney grease.”

Courage to Compliment Challenge
I challenge you to compliment a different person every day this week.

1.  Your Spouse or Significant Other

2.  Family Member

3.  Close Friend

4.  Work Associate

5.  Local Business

6.  Restaurant Staffer

7.  Complete Stranger

Make magic in less than a minute by giving a genuine compliment and create an everlasting smile.
 
Your Turn: What compliments have you recently shared?  

Five Key Questions for Proper Praise

[I used Grammarly to grammar check this post, because I read the Past, Present and Future walked into a bar and it was tense.]

Last month I received a question, “Michael you tell us, ‘Remember the rhyme and you’ll do fine,’ but sometimes I want to say a little bit more at a celebration. How do I figure out what to say?” Always thrilled to receive requests – a.k.a. fan mail (in my mind) – I’m equally happy to share the five key questions for proper praise for an extended tasteful toast.
 
The most successful toasts are inspirational and praise the honoree’s meaningful contributions to their family or community. Discovering the right material to use is easy when you know what questions to ask.
Prepping for Proper Praise
   1.   What qualities make this person great or worthy of praise?
   2.   What is his/her source of power or inspiration?
   3.   What debt do we owe for his/her efforts?
   4.   What lessons can we learn from his/her actions?
   5.   What is his/her place in history? 

It’s best to ask family, friends and co-workers these questions about the honoree days or weeks before the event to prepare my material. Here are some tips from award-winning journalist and editor of the book, Kauai Stories, Pamela Brown.
 
In-Person Interview Techniques*My initial inquiry, “What in-person interview techniques can you share?” was answered by a query of her own, “If you were being interviewed, would you rather feel like you’re chatting with a reporter or being peppered with questions?” Point taken, so have a list of what you want to talk about but flow the conversation as if you are talking with the person normally. Next?
 
Set the Scene: Meet in a quiet place where your interviewee is comfortable, like in their home. Ask that there be no distractions so you can both concentrate on your conversation.
 
Record Your Interview: Your conversation will flow more smoothly and you’ll be more present and will enjoy it more – and when you’re enjoying it more, the person you are interviewing will tell you more about memorable times.
 
Be Interested: The more you want to learn, the more your person will want to share. In my experience, as soon as I say, “I’ve got all the information I need,” and reach to turn off your recording device, your person will say something wonderful that you are going to want to capture, so keep recording until you are out the door.
 
Once you’ve transcribed your interview, you’ll want to extract one to three examples that best illustrate the rich character of the person you want to praise.
 

Keep to the winning Tasteful Toasts formula (be brief, be bold, be done) and you’ll have beautiful outcome.
 
*Kauai Stories is filled with rich personal stories culled using the above interview techniques. Special thank you to Pamela Brown for her expert contributions.

Your turn: What actions have you recently praised? 

Make Magic with the Aloha Spirit

Image how wonderful your world would be if everyone shared the Aloha Spirit once a day. You’d feel giddy inside knowing you helped make someone’s day a little bit brighter with minimal effort. That’s real magic.

Hawaiians are known for their generosity, hospitality and warm sharing. This giving nature is grounded in the principle of reciprocity frequently labeled as the Aloha Spirit.* The following real life aloha excerpt is one of more than 50 colorful, touching and humorous personal stories from Kauai Stories – a finalist in 2013 National Indie Excellence Book Awards.

Aloha with Your Newspaper
By Lincoln Henry Gill 

  One Sunday morning I cut down a large stalk of bananas from one of our trees. It was huge, about 120 bananas, far more than we could eat ourselves or freeze to use later. I split the bananas into smaller bunches and placed them in a box where our driveway meets the street. I attached a sign to the box announcing they were “FREE!”

Throughout that day, I looked out my window and smiled as people drove by, helping themselves to bunches of bananas. I love how people on Kauai share their extra fruit. We are fortunate that our trees produce more than enough to give away. By the end of the day there were still a couple of bunches remaining. I left the box on the side of the road in case anyone coming home from the night shift of work wanted some.

The next morning, when I put my hand into our narrow, bright green plastic daily newspaper receptacle, I got a surprise. There was a package with a note. Inside the package I found six small loaves of freshly baked banana bread. The note read, “This is in appreciation for the bananas which you shared last night. Enjoy! Signed, your Garden Island newspaper carriers, Robert and Winona Romero.”

The banana bread was absolutely delicious, with walnuts and small bits of fresh coconut. With every bite I kept thinking, “How thoughtful of them.” The aloha spirit makes you want to pass it on.

This true story reminds me of a Hawaiian proverb:

Proverb: `A`ohe lokomaika`i i nele i ke pâna`i 
Translation: No kind deed has ever lacked its reward.
Interpretation: Give back in equal measure or more, be it a gift or a smile.

*The literal meaning of aloha is “the presence of breath” or “the breath of life.” It comes from “Alo,” meaning presence, front and face, and “ha,” meaning breath. Aloha is a way of living and treating each other with love and respect. Its deep meaning starts by teaching ourselves to love our own beings first and afterwards to spread the love to others.

[Photo caption: Gardenia and note left with daily newspaper by The Garden Island newspaper carriers Robert and Winona Garcia days after they left freshly baked banana bread. Photo by Lincoln Henry Gill]

Your turn: What’s your favorite local Aloha Spirit story?  

Defend Yourself from Doublespeak

Last month my brother Steve and I went to see famed actor, comedian and magician Harry Anderson perform at the Magic Castle in Hollywood, Calif. You’ll remember Anderson from his American television sitcoms: an eight-year stint as jocular Judge Stone on Night Court or as con artist “Harry the Hat” on Cheers. A talented talker of doublespeak, Anderson’s performance prompted me to warn you of how silver-tongued speakers can scam you into buying something that seems to be a good deal but is truly bogus. The best defense against this trickery is to expose their secret language.

What is doublespeak?
Doublespeak is the name for language which makes the bad seem good, the negative appear positive, and the unpleasant attractive. It deliberately deceives, disguises, distorts, camouflages, misleads, inflates, circumvents, and obfuscates. Confused? A few examples will clear things up.

Politicians, publicists and the press are the kings and queens at spinning stories:

• Airplanes don’t crash, they have “uncontrolled contact with the ground.”
• You’re not unconscious during surgery, you’re just in a “non-decision-making state.”
• Hospitals don’t have people that die, they have “negative patient care outcomes.”

Job seekers write creative career titles on resumes:

• Janitors are “Custodial Engineers.”
• Car mechanics are “Automotive Internists.”
• Elevator operators are “members of the Vertical Transportation Corps.”

Defrauders escape through legal loopholes by emphasizing the first and last key words:

• They buy and sell “solid fools gold.”
• They use the best “genuine faux leather.”
• They only import “real counterfeit diamonds.”

None of these people are lying to your face: they are telling you the truth with verbose verbiage to communicate a specific message.

Defend yourself from doublespeak by learning to listen to all the words that tumble and mumble out of mouths. Be mindful and study the incoming message instead of just mentally “sitting back” and believing all you hear.


Your turn: What doublespeak terms have you heard?  

3 Ways to Maintain Your Motivation

I’m envious and occasionally jealous of people who have a single-minded focus and boundless energy towards their personal and professional projects. How do they find the time to get it all done? Are they eating special super-foods? Can I learn to be just as successful? I discovered all high achievers from bodybuilder, actor and politician Arnold Schwarzenegger to actor, singer and dancer Hugh Jackman to motivational speaker Tony Robbins always have help getting to the top. I’ll share a few of their secrets.

I’m not going to tell you the same ol’ transcendental stuff like, believe in yourself, follow your passion and remain positive. While those are good and true, you must have a goal to pursue then you can apply any one of these three practical ways to maintain your motivation.

Find a Friend
You can don your Superman cape and go it alone, but why? When you find a friend, not just any friend, but someone that is willing to work with you as you tackle each baby-step to your ultimate goal, then you develop a powerful support team.

While on his quest for the world’s top bodybuilding titles, one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s training partners was Franco Columbo. “I knew that he [Franco] was the training partner who could weather the ferocious workouts necessary in the coming year,” said the muscle man. Schwarzenegger went on to win the Mr. Universe title at age 20 and the Mr. Olympia contest seven times.

You can also have more than one friend working with you. Schwarzenegger has several other men including Dave Draper, Ric Drasin and his life-long mentor Reg Park.

Mentor Me
Haven’t done it before? Scared? Terrified? Find someone who has completed the job successfully and ask for assistance. Again, you don’t have to go it alone. In fact, you’ll be more productive and avoid pitfalls when you have the right mentor for guidance and advice.

When Hugh Jackman, PEOPLE magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” – my wife made me add that – was asked to host the Academy Awards (the Oscars), he sought out advice from veteran hosts Steve Martin and Billy Crystal. “I’ve always said ‘yes’ to the thing I’m most scared about then I work through it with someone more seasoned than me,” Jackman explained. Being a stand-up guy he offered his advice to the next year’s host Seth MacFarlane.

If having a mentor is good enough for X-Men’s Wolverine, then it’s good enough for you.

Reward Yourself
After each milestone is completed, take some time to pat yourself on the back. Yes, there’s more work to be done, but a little break and reward will keep your spirits up.

Master motivator Tony Robbins believes when you complete a task and reward yourself, you’re one step closer to your goal and you feel good about it. Repeat often. Robbins says, “It's not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently.”

When I’m finished with this article I’m treating myself to lunch…at In-N-Out Burger. Thanks, Tony.

Now let me answer the questions that started this piece:

Q: How do they find the time to get it all done?
A: Set a single, specific goal. This article will help: Pick One and Get It Done.

Q: Are they eating special super-foods?
A: Not really, but they typically eat a proper balanced diet and exercise.

Q: Can I learn to be just as successful?
A: Absolutely.

Your Turn: How do you maintain your motivation?  

Presidential Prose

You never know when you’ll be whisked away on Air Force One to have dinner with the President of the United States, important diplomats and visiting dignitaries, so it’s important to always listen to your mother, wear clean underwear and be prepared with a tasteful toast. 

When addressing government officials and their VIP entourage you might feel a little pressure regardless if the setting is casual or formal. You don’t want to say the wrong thing and start an international incident and, well, because you’d love to be invited back to the White House. 

Fortunately you can rely upon previous presidential prose to ease your anxiety. Use their finely crafted words to present touching sentiments that will well received. Here are a few brief excerpts by past and present leaders that can be adapted for your inaugural reception: 

“Let us mark this day with remembrance of who we are and how far we have traveled.”
 – Barack Obama, 44^th President of the United States of America 

 
“Make the choice to serve in a cause larger than your wants, larger than yourself, and in your days you will add not just to the wealth of our country but to its character.”
– George W. Bush, 43^rd President of the United States of America

 
“Let us shape the hope of this day into the noblest chapter in our history.”
– Bill Clinton, 42^nd President of the United States of America

 
“Write on our hearts these words: ‘Use power to help people.’”
– George Bush, 41^st President of the United States of America

 
“We must do what we know is right, and do it with all our might.”
– Ronald Reagan, 40^th President of the United States of America

 
These quotes will resonate with every person because they all imply one thing: you make a difference. I truly believe that you are always in the right place at the right time to make a positive difference. You don’t have to solve the entire problem, but merely move it forward for the next person to lend their expertise and move it forward.

Data source: http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/inaugurals.php

Your Turn: What wise words would you share when you visit the White House?